Friday, October 31, 2008

SCRAPBOOK

Ako 'to... Mommy Ni Gabby at 8:39 AM
It feels like years already since my bad habit left... feels like a lot of things have happened already. Oh well a lot of things really have happened already. Una, nakilala ko si Boyet. Siya pala yung owner na hiniraman ni Jay ng phone nun nag text siya saken pagkarating na pagkarating niya sa Singapore.Sabi ni Boyet pagdating daw kasi ni Jayson, napansin niya palakad lakad..pabalik balik.. tinanong daw niya kung ano problema... Sabi daw ni Jayson, di pa daw niya nasasabi sa girlfriend niya na maayos silang nakadating...Hehe. natuwa ako nung umagang mareceived ko ang message niya.. Ala-una ng madaling araw niya ako tnext, pero siyempre tulog nako, kinaumagahan ko na nabasa.. sobrang natuwa ako kasi hindi ugali ni jayson ang makitext... mapriode kasi yun eh. Tapos That day nag text saken si Lindsey (ate ni jay) kinukumusta ako.. hehe.. ako nga daw ang iniisip nila... akala ko nag text din si Jay sa kanila yun pala ako lang yun tinext niya.. kaya ako na lang yung nag balita sa kanila.. Hehe.. Na tuwa naman ako na ako yung pinili niya na itext..

Boyet kept texting me eh. It was OK at first pero di rin kasi ako ganun kahilig mag text.. depende sa katext ko.. hehe. So I gave him my friend's number. Buti na lang mabait si friend ko at pinag bigyan niya ako na replyan si Boyet. Mejo kasi Broken hearted ang lolo mo... He was gone for 6 straight years... at yung GF niya e nalaman niya na nag-asawa na pag-balik niya. Sabi ko sa kanya baka naman nagkulang din siya.. Sabi niya everytime na dadaong sila tumatawag naman daw siya at laging nag papaliwanag kung bakit natagalan siyang tumawag ( we are talking about months here or half a year), pero ang kinakasakit ng loob niya e bakit hindisiya nahintay...

I told him na "hindi mo siya masisisi kung mag-mahal siya ng iba sa tagal mong nawala.. minsan kasi me makikilala talaga tayong tao na mamahalin natin e.. siguro ang tanging pag kakamali lang niya e hindi siya naging honest sayo.. kasi dapat out of respect sana ipinaalam muna niya sa'yo na may mahal na siyang iba bago siya nakipag relasyon."

Siyempre naisip ko rin ako at si Jay... are we going to end up just like that? or will we able to surpass all these? dati ang lagi kong tanong "Makaya kaya ni Jay?" Makaya kaya niya na iretain yung love?. There was never an instance that I asked myself that question. It was only Rose (an officemate) who said that I should also ask myself that question kasi sa aming dalawa daw ni Jayson most likely baka ako yung makahanap ng iba... kasi ako sobrang lawak ng mundo ko, where as yung kanila is confined with in the ship lang at pwede lang sila lumabas at makakilala ng iba pag mag do-dock na most likely di na ulit nila makikita pag alis nila... during that time there was no doubt in my mind that I cannot make it.

But now after being away for only roughly 2 mos with no communication at all... Im having second thoughts already. Hey don't get me wrong. Nothing's changed. I love him still. But I don't want commitment anymore...natakot ako na baka intayin ko siya tapos at the end malalaman ko that he fell out of love na pala... so naisip ko siguro mabuti na yung bigyang laya ko siya sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, at kung pagbalik niya e mahal pa niya ako, eh di puntahan niya ako at tingnan namin kung pwede kami magsimula ulit...

Boyet left exactly a month after niya umuwi. I met up with him at nagpadala ako ng letter/scrapbook namin ni Jayson. It was very personal. YUng unang letter ko, ginawa ko yun without the intention na ipadala sa kanya... my officemataes were even threatening me na itago ko daw yun dahil nanakawin nila yun at ipapadala kay Jayson, hindi lang nila alam If only there was a way for me na ipadala ko yun, ipapadala ko nga.. buti na lang nabanggit ko kay boyet at pumayag siya na bitbitin papuntang singapore yung scrapbook. compilation yun ng mag pictures at letters na naipon ko sa araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos na lagi ko siyang namimiss... nag-include din ako ng basic meds at hehe maliit na nailcutter. :)

Then when Boyet got to Singapore iniwan niya yung scrapbook sa agency nila at ang agency daw ang magpapadala sa ibang bansa.. medyo magulo e. Nun andito pa si Boyet sabi niya posibleng magkasalubong yung barko nila ni jay so pwede niya maiabot. Pero his decision changed pag dating ng Singapore.. kasi yun ata ang advice nung mga tao sa agency... then probably a week later I decided to make an overseas call sa Singapore para lang maliwanagan ako kung ano ba talaga, and guess what parang lalong lumabo nung tumawag ako kasi sabi nung kausap ko, dun lang daw sa agency yung padala ko hanggang makabalik sina Jay sa Singapore.Teka! sino ba sa kanila ang nagsasabi ng totoo? For two weeks I was trying to get hold of someone who can give me straight answer, during that time Boyet was already in Capetown South Africa, 2 days after Singapore they flew there. Andun pala yung barkong sasakyan nila... I called Boyet. Asked him the name of the person whom he handed the letter to. LIna. Lina is a tagalog speaking Singaporean. Called her up too many times I can't even recall how many. Basta ang alam ko lang pinag papasa pasahan nila ako. Pag tumawag ka kay Lina, she'll tell you she doesn't know anything about the letter and that I should check it at the office. Second to the last time we spoke she said that I call the office saturday at 2pm. Oh my finally... finally i got something out of her with sense! I called Saturday. Had to speak with few different Singaporeans who can't speak good english and who can't understand my English unless I speak like them. Great. Naranasan ko ang i-transfer ng i-transfer ng walang babala. Next thing you hear music on hold---that song from F4. I think during that time I got transferred to 4 different people. The last one spoke better english than the rest. But hey, she got no manners. She said she doesn;t know anything about the letter and that she'll have to speak with Lina first. I said "ok, but can I have your name so that I'll ask for you when I call back?". And again she told me that she'll have to speak with lina First. And again I asked for her name. Which again she didn't answer. One thing I couldn't understand was why she will have to speak with Lina first when all I want to know is if they have the letter or not. All I want is peace of mind that it is not lost. It was too personal and it belongs to no one else but Jayson.

I thought she just didn't undestand what I was saying so I repeated myself, before I was even able to finish, she was gone. She hung up on me only because probably she doesn't want to give me her name. Craziness. Iba talaga ang kultura nila. Ewan ko. after a couple of hours I decided calling Lina. I thought to myself na kung sa kanya inabot ni Boyet yun malamang siya lang yung makakasagot ng maayos saken. Called her up arounf 7pm Manila time which is the same time lang naman sa Singapore. She answered the phone. and again for the nth time I had to introduce myself and tell her the purpose of my call. Before I was able to finish my statement, she interrupted me and shouted "wala akong alam dyan sa sulat na yan. Marami akong ginagawa." and then GONE.

It is not fair to generalize this Idea but after speaking several times to quite a few of them, and they were all displaying the same attitude, would it be safe enough to say that it is their culture?

After 2 weeks of having to run around in circles by these crazy people is too much for me to handle. I cried. Nakakahiya man aminin pero napaiyak talaga ako sa sobrang frustration. After wasting so much money, texting, making phone calls.. pagkatapos kang paikot ikutin, hindi ka rin pala tutulungan at the end... Damn. Right after ko mapaiyak gusto ko ulit tawagan si Lina at murahin mula ulo hanggang paa. Putang Ina talaga! Right at that moment, I was wishing her Ill. Yun ang totoo. Im not trying to sugarcoat anything here or play like the most mabait person in the universe. I am mabait. Pero naman, tao lang ako... pagbigyan nyo nako.. that time feeling ko yuin lang yung makakagaan ng pakiramdam ko, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kasi baka malagay sa alanganin sina jayson at mga tito niya...

After that nagpray na lang ako. Sabi ko "Lord kayo na bahala dun ah.." I gave up. I was so broke that time kasi all my saving went to the trip eh, and most of my allowance I've spent buying call cards.. sino naman ang hindi mapapaiyak nun? Pero yun nga finally, I gave it up. Naisip ko kasi, Lahat naman 'to nangyayari for a reason, and kung hindi man yung makuha ni jayson siguro may ibang plano si lord para dun.. At kung makuha man ni Jayson pero after matagal na panahon... there must be a reason behind that.. So i'm leaving everything to the Lord's hands. It's out of mycontrol na talaga e.And besides ginawa ko naman lahat to secure it e. Ewan ko ba that time din kasi halo-halong problema yung dumating saken e. It was that time din na nag sink-in saken yung sinasabi ng mga tao na "ah yang mga sea man maraming chicks yan".. blah blah blah.. at first I wasn't affected e. On the back of my head, "chics lang pala eh. Fleeting lang yun. Ako naman yung mahal eh".. Really. Ganun ako mag-isip. Ok lang kung me iba,basta wag niyang mamahalin.. ;)
kasi bata pa lang ako aware nako sa ganun eh. bata pa lang ako naririnig ko na yung ganun. Pero iba pala pag ikaw yung ivolved dun sa story... No matter how tough your resolve is pag walang communication... unti unti... matutunaw... mag kakaron ng doubt.. suddenly you're not sure anymore if both of you can make it...

Lahat ng worries ko naipon at lahat yun naramdaman ko nung time na yun. Naisip ko, wala kaming ganun katatag na
foundation ni Jay para malagpasan namin yung 3yrs na magkahiwalay.. Everything naiisip ko. Kaya yung scrapbook ko sobrang importante saken kasi feeling ko na basta mabasa niya yun, and if ever dumating kami sa time na parang di na namin kaya, naisip ko that the letter will be able to help us not to let go.. at kung hindi niya makukuha yun, paano na kami?

Pero ganun siguro talaga.. Si ate jovy na friend ni Boyet was willing to help me. She lives in Singapore. Pero bago ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya, yung friend ko muna na si "C" ang hiningan ko ng tulong. She said na i-email ko daw sa kanya ang detailed instructions na kailangan niya gawin. I did. I sent her emails. I messaged her through friendster. not just once but many times. I got no reply after 2-3 days I think. Then naisip ko, susubukan ko muna, maybe there are other ways.. So i emailed her told her to put everything on hold muna. Then the rest is history... pero minsan naisip ko kung willing talaga siyang tulungan ako, bakit kahit isa sa emails and messages ko hindi niya sinagot? Considering na araw-araw siya nag lo-login sa friendster means nababasa niya... kaya ko lang naman naisip na siya ang unang hingan ng tulong kasi akala ko maasahan ko siya eh... naisip ko babae rin siya, most likely maiintindihan niya ako kesa sa mga guys na kaibigan ko ako mag ask ng help.Kaya ko rin naisip na baka matulungan niya ako is because unlimited naman yung plan nun cell niya... so hindi naman siya magagastusan ng extra if ever. i was planning nga na mag send sa kanya ng money through western union kung magawan niya ng paran talaga.. pero until this very day wala man lang akong nareceived na message galing sa kanya. Kahit acknowledgement lang, wala. Oh well, now I know.Buti pa si ate jovy na hindi ko personal na kilala. ni hindi ko pa nakikita, willing mag extend ng tulong. I know maliit ang income ng tao na'to sa singapore. Wala sa one fourth ng kinikita ng friend ko na si "C", pero siya pa yung eager mag-offer ng tulong. Akala ko pa naman naging mas maganda yung friendship namin lalo na nun nagkitakita kami nun pumunta kami Singapore dati, yun pala kasi siguro wala lang... yun. hay in times or trouble malalaman mo talaga kung sino yung pwede mo maasahan eh ano?!?! sobrang liit na pabor... okay lang naman kasi me ibang tao naman na willing tumulong pero kasi pakiramdam ko napeke ako, Yun yun eh. yung pakiramdam na, mali pala ako ng pagkakakilala sa kanya. Akala ko kasi... sa takbo kasi ng kwento niya dati parang akala ko siya yung tipo ng tao na tutulong basta kaya, yun pala hindi. yun pala OK habang mag kaharap lang kayo.. Ang pangit. napaplastikan ako.

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