Friday, August 22, 2008

For Jayson

Ako 'to... Mommy Ni Gabby at 10:24 PM

I just got back from our trip to KL and Singapore, and during the time I was there, I really didn't think much about me and Jayson, but I still think of him every single day most specially before I got to sleep. WE definitely had issues we need to fix, and as long as it's not fixed then I won't be happy... Since he's unable to change (Oh don't get wrong, but maybe he's really not yet ready to be in a relationship), I felt I really have to end it already... you might be thinking what happened in between now and my last post. Well I couldn't say we got back together but it was more like, he didn't know that we've broken up already or that he was just pretending he didn't know... the reason why I allowed us to get back together was because of the "sign" that I asked from the lord whether to continue our relationship or not.. the sign came two days after I ended "it"... And so we got back together only for me to end it again while I was in Singapore. And God knows, I wasn't happy with my decision...

When I met Jayson, he meant to leave for work... Leave as in for another country... even before I left for Singapore our communication is very erratic. And when I left for Singapore, I had a taste of what it would be like when he leaves for work... And I cannot accept that. Maybe that's just how he handles a relationship, but I beg to differ... and that's where our problem comes in. Before kasi tanggap ko na ganun lang siguro talaga SA NGAYON. For the mean time. Pero habang tumatagal, wala pa ring improvement.. We don't really see each other since he lives in Baguio so I feel that we have to make bawi sa communication man lang, so kung rare yung communication I feel that we should not be more than friends... And sometimes pag naiinis kasi ako, naiisip ko lagi na " I won't have it any other way If I can't have it my way" pero at the end of the day, when you really love someone, you'll try your best to understand them ... accept it as it is... mag tiis. Ganun.

But my leaving for Singapore has helped me finalized my decision.
We went to KL first and stayed two days, on the third day we went to Singapore. On the fourth day and still no sign from him I finally "ended it". I thought, If a person really loves you, he should be concerned whether you landed safely or not, oh well ofcourse he knew I was safe because I TOLD HIM, but it's still different if HE is exerting extra effort to make you feel that he is thinking and cares about you, right? I knew he was mad at me for breaking up with him, he told me that Iba-iba ang tao... He told me na mahal daw niya ako and that iba-iba lang talaga and characters ng mga tao. I AGREE. But I don't deserve that kind of treatment. AND if he can't give me what I need, I'm gonna let him go, and he can find someone else who can make do with the way he's handling relationship. My hopes were high before na kahit marami kaming issues, makakaya namin yung isolve. Pero I cannot do it alone. And all the more that it won't be solved if he's not taking any steps to solve it.

...But still I hope. And Im not closing my doors. Im open to any possibilities. In the future... who knows... but that will only happen if he knows how to treat a girlfriend right.
Somehow I can understand him. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon what's going on. Before issue na rin ito but when I told him about what I feel regarding his feelings for me, he said that It was wrong for me to just judge him like that. For a while I was taken aback for a very "matured" statement he just said. Maybe he was right. I was wrong. And maybe I am wrong for measuring his love for me just like that. Maybe I am wrong. But I won't have it any other way if I can't have it my way. And I mean it this time. Sobra sobra na ba yung hinihingi ko?? Di ba hindi naman?? and I know it's something that should NOT be asked. Kasi between a couple it should be given voluntarily.. at pag hiningi just because hindi binibigay ng kusa then there is something wrong with the relationship. That's why I decided that we end it. I could have given him more time. I could have understand him more. Pero I had a feeling that I was trying to push things more harder. At pag pinilit ko pa e hindi naman pala para saken, baka magkasira lang talaga kami at the end. So I felt mas mabuti pa na maghiwalay kami while I still love him kasi kaya ko pa siya intindihin, and that's what I've been doing ever since... Ayokong dumating sa point na magalit ako... Kasi when I get mad, it's gonna be bad for the two of us.

There was one point, I was hoping na hindi siya papayag sa break-up...

...but then, he just gave up too, so maybe hanggang dito na lang talaga kami...



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