Can we give Claire another chance please?

Tonight would be the 1st Eviction Night in the PBB house Teen edition 4. Parang sa tingin ko nanganganib si Claire, buti na lang nominated din si Vince who I think has lesser followers than Claire. Don't get me wrong she isn't my favorite , and I know that she has some bad reputation inside the house and so as outside from what we have witnessed the first few weeks their season opened. 

Pero, I want to understand Claire and my gut feel says she isn't that bad. We have to understand her background to accept and fully understand teens like her and from what I have gathered, Claire's Dad abandoned them while her Mom was pregnant with her, worst later on her mom developed mental lapses. I realized that it would be too difficult to be in her situation with no father and figuratively no mother to take care of her. With all those things in mind, what do you think did it do to her? Ofcourse, it would definitely have some effect on her. She falls easily, she assume too much, she gets attached quickly, all prolly because of what happened to her in the past. She grew up in a not so normal family situation, compared to other teens inside the house, I don't think its fair to bash her just like that. Let's be fair and give her a chance.

I'm Back

I've been procrastinating here for a long time I know. But I'm quite inspired to revive my blog now. Most especially now that I'm aiming to work out my adsense. I reallized that blogging can be really rewarding. Now I know for a fact that  a lot of people earn a living from blogging. But I'm talking about people like me who is not so much into techie stuff. I just happened to be using blogger so I easily figured it out.

And just to update you (not that you care about what is happening in my life) of what has happened to me in the past two years. I went out and went in, in a relationship. Got pregnant (yes and he was not unplanned at all) and now my son is 1yr and 3mos old.

Isn't he the cutest?

His Papa and I aren't married yet. He sometimes bring up topics about getting married but I'm actually not ready for it yet. I'm just so scared to be tied to a person that way. I'm used to getting what I want and being married to someone somehow makes me unable to breathe freely. I just don't like the idea that someone would have a power over me that way. Or maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment with the father of my son. This is just not the right time. maybe someday when we are both more mature cos right now, to be honest we're just a bit messed up sometimes. We just can't seem to outgrow our selfish attitude. Most of the time we're OK but still not ready for it. Having a child under your care is totally different from getting yourself get hitched.

And now,  me and my officemate Mai are venturing into reselling tops, dresses, shoes, bags and other stuff we find cute and useful. Aw! :) We just thought that we might as well take advantage of the Holiday season to make extra bucks.

So there, Life is hard but getting by. That cute little guy is my sole inspiration to better our way of living. I just couldn't express how  i love him so much.  He is my source of joy and my reason for living now.

Life is hard but I'm gonna brave everything in order to give my son everything that he needs.

...I will remember you. Will you remember me?

I would always wonder if you have ever remember it was my birthday last 4th of November?

If you did, did you even greet me even if I could not hear it?

Do you still remember me? Think of me? or what you told me before you left?

Do you still love me?

or remember what you used to feel about me?

I was in a mess.

I didn't know I will ever be able to fix. I was so hoping you would call then, because I knew you are the only person in this world who can help me clear things out.

But there were no signs from you. It's OK. I understand. I know the situation. I just hope that I won't find myself in that situation again... But if faith played with me again, and if i happen to be in that difficult situation again...

I hope to feel your hands when I try to reach out for help,

or i'll never know if I will again find the right answer, or will I ever find the right way back to you.

Because it was so damn hard to be alone in that battle of confusion.

SCRAPBOOK

It feels like years already since my bad habit left... feels like a lot of things have happened already. Oh well a lot of things really have happened already. Una, nakilala ko si Boyet. Siya pala yung owner na hiniraman ni Jay ng phone nun nag text siya saken pagkarating na pagkarating niya sa Singapore.Sabi ni Boyet pagdating daw kasi ni Jayson, napansin niya palakad lakad..pabalik balik.. tinanong daw niya kung ano problema... Sabi daw ni Jayson, di pa daw niya nasasabi sa girlfriend niya na maayos silang nakadating...Hehe. natuwa ako nung umagang mareceived ko ang message niya.. Ala-una ng madaling araw niya ako tnext, pero siyempre tulog nako, kinaumagahan ko na nabasa.. sobrang natuwa ako kasi hindi ugali ni jayson ang makitext... mapriode kasi yun eh. Tapos That day nag text saken si Lindsey (ate ni jay) kinukumusta ako.. hehe.. ako nga daw ang iniisip nila... akala ko nag text din si Jay sa kanila yun pala ako lang yun tinext niya.. kaya ako na lang yung nag balita sa kanila.. Hehe.. Na tuwa naman ako na ako yung pinili niya na itext..

Boyet kept texting me eh. It was OK at first pero di rin kasi ako ganun kahilig mag text.. depende sa katext ko.. hehe. So I gave him my friend's number. Buti na lang mabait si friend ko at pinag bigyan niya ako na replyan si Boyet. Mejo kasi Broken hearted ang lolo mo... He was gone for 6 straight years... at yung GF niya e nalaman niya na nag-asawa na pag-balik niya. Sabi ko sa kanya baka naman nagkulang din siya.. Sabi niya everytime na dadaong sila tumatawag naman daw siya at laging nag papaliwanag kung bakit natagalan siyang tumawag ( we are talking about months here or half a year), pero ang kinakasakit ng loob niya e bakit hindisiya nahintay...

I told him na "hindi mo siya masisisi kung mag-mahal siya ng iba sa tagal mong nawala.. minsan kasi me makikilala talaga tayong tao na mamahalin natin e.. siguro ang tanging pag kakamali lang niya e hindi siya naging honest sayo.. kasi dapat out of respect sana ipinaalam muna niya sa'yo na may mahal na siyang iba bago siya nakipag relasyon."

Siyempre naisip ko rin ako at si Jay... are we going to end up just like that? or will we able to surpass all these? dati ang lagi kong tanong "Makaya kaya ni Jay?" Makaya kaya niya na iretain yung love?. There was never an instance that I asked myself that question. It was only Rose (an officemate) who said that I should also ask myself that question kasi sa aming dalawa daw ni Jayson most likely baka ako yung makahanap ng iba... kasi ako sobrang lawak ng mundo ko, where as yung kanila is confined with in the ship lang at pwede lang sila lumabas at makakilala ng iba pag mag do-dock na most likely di na ulit nila makikita pag alis nila... during that time there was no doubt in my mind that I cannot make it.

But now after being away for only roughly 2 mos with no communication at all... Im having second thoughts already. Hey don't get me wrong. Nothing's changed. I love him still. But I don't want commitment anymore...natakot ako na baka intayin ko siya tapos at the end malalaman ko that he fell out of love na pala... so naisip ko siguro mabuti na yung bigyang laya ko siya sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, at kung pagbalik niya e mahal pa niya ako, eh di puntahan niya ako at tingnan namin kung pwede kami magsimula ulit...

Boyet left exactly a month after niya umuwi. I met up with him at nagpadala ako ng letter/scrapbook namin ni Jayson. It was very personal. YUng unang letter ko, ginawa ko yun without the intention na ipadala sa kanya... my officemataes were even threatening me na itago ko daw yun dahil nanakawin nila yun at ipapadala kay Jayson, hindi lang nila alam If only there was a way for me na ipadala ko yun, ipapadala ko nga.. buti na lang nabanggit ko kay boyet at pumayag siya na bitbitin papuntang singapore yung scrapbook. compilation yun ng mag pictures at letters na naipon ko sa araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos na lagi ko siyang namimiss... nag-include din ako ng basic meds at hehe maliit na nailcutter. :)

Then when Boyet got to Singapore iniwan niya yung scrapbook sa agency nila at ang agency daw ang magpapadala sa ibang bansa.. medyo magulo e. Nun andito pa si Boyet sabi niya posibleng magkasalubong yung barko nila ni jay so pwede niya maiabot. Pero his decision changed pag dating ng Singapore.. kasi yun ata ang advice nung mga tao sa agency... then probably a week later I decided to make an overseas call sa Singapore para lang maliwanagan ako kung ano ba talaga, and guess what parang lalong lumabo nung tumawag ako kasi sabi nung kausap ko, dun lang daw sa agency yung padala ko hanggang makabalik sina Jay sa Singapore.Teka! sino ba sa kanila ang nagsasabi ng totoo? For two weeks I was trying to get hold of someone who can give me straight answer, during that time Boyet was already in Capetown South Africa, 2 days after Singapore they flew there. Andun pala yung barkong sasakyan nila... I called Boyet. Asked him the name of the person whom he handed the letter to. LIna. Lina is a tagalog speaking Singaporean. Called her up too many times I can't even recall how many. Basta ang alam ko lang pinag papasa pasahan nila ako. Pag tumawag ka kay Lina, she'll tell you she doesn't know anything about the letter and that I should check it at the office. Second to the last time we spoke she said that I call the office saturday at 2pm. Oh my finally... finally i got something out of her with sense! I called Saturday. Had to speak with few different Singaporeans who can't speak good english and who can't understand my English unless I speak like them. Great. Naranasan ko ang i-transfer ng i-transfer ng walang babala. Next thing you hear music on hold---that song from F4. I think during that time I got transferred to 4 different people. The last one spoke better english than the rest. But hey, she got no manners. She said she doesn;t know anything about the letter and that she'll have to speak with Lina first. I said "ok, but can I have your name so that I'll ask for you when I call back?". And again she told me that she'll have to speak with lina First. And again I asked for her name. Which again she didn't answer. One thing I couldn't understand was why she will have to speak with Lina first when all I want to know is if they have the letter or not. All I want is peace of mind that it is not lost. It was too personal and it belongs to no one else but Jayson.

I thought she just didn't undestand what I was saying so I repeated myself, before I was even able to finish, she was gone. She hung up on me only because probably she doesn't want to give me her name. Craziness. Iba talaga ang kultura nila. Ewan ko. after a couple of hours I decided calling Lina. I thought to myself na kung sa kanya inabot ni Boyet yun malamang siya lang yung makakasagot ng maayos saken. Called her up arounf 7pm Manila time which is the same time lang naman sa Singapore. She answered the phone. and again for the nth time I had to introduce myself and tell her the purpose of my call. Before I was able to finish my statement, she interrupted me and shouted "wala akong alam dyan sa sulat na yan. Marami akong ginagawa." and then GONE.

It is not fair to generalize this Idea but after speaking several times to quite a few of them, and they were all displaying the same attitude, would it be safe enough to say that it is their culture?

After 2 weeks of having to run around in circles by these crazy people is too much for me to handle. I cried. Nakakahiya man aminin pero napaiyak talaga ako sa sobrang frustration. After wasting so much money, texting, making phone calls.. pagkatapos kang paikot ikutin, hindi ka rin pala tutulungan at the end... Damn. Right after ko mapaiyak gusto ko ulit tawagan si Lina at murahin mula ulo hanggang paa. Putang Ina talaga! Right at that moment, I was wishing her Ill. Yun ang totoo. Im not trying to sugarcoat anything here or play like the most mabait person in the universe. I am mabait. Pero naman, tao lang ako... pagbigyan nyo nako.. that time feeling ko yuin lang yung makakagaan ng pakiramdam ko, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kasi baka malagay sa alanganin sina jayson at mga tito niya...

After that nagpray na lang ako. Sabi ko "Lord kayo na bahala dun ah.." I gave up. I was so broke that time kasi all my saving went to the trip eh, and most of my allowance I've spent buying call cards.. sino naman ang hindi mapapaiyak nun? Pero yun nga finally, I gave it up. Naisip ko kasi, Lahat naman 'to nangyayari for a reason, and kung hindi man yung makuha ni jayson siguro may ibang plano si lord para dun.. At kung makuha man ni Jayson pero after matagal na panahon... there must be a reason behind that.. So i'm leaving everything to the Lord's hands. It's out of mycontrol na talaga e.And besides ginawa ko naman lahat to secure it e. Ewan ko ba that time din kasi halo-halong problema yung dumating saken e. It was that time din na nag sink-in saken yung sinasabi ng mga tao na "ah yang mga sea man maraming chicks yan".. blah blah blah.. at first I wasn't affected e. On the back of my head, "chics lang pala eh. Fleeting lang yun. Ako naman yung mahal eh".. Really. Ganun ako mag-isip. Ok lang kung me iba,basta wag niyang mamahalin.. ;)
kasi bata pa lang ako aware nako sa ganun eh. bata pa lang ako naririnig ko na yung ganun. Pero iba pala pag ikaw yung ivolved dun sa story... No matter how tough your resolve is pag walang communication... unti unti... matutunaw... mag kakaron ng doubt.. suddenly you're not sure anymore if both of you can make it...

Lahat ng worries ko naipon at lahat yun naramdaman ko nung time na yun. Naisip ko, wala kaming ganun katatag na
foundation ni Jay para malagpasan namin yung 3yrs na magkahiwalay.. Everything naiisip ko. Kaya yung scrapbook ko sobrang importante saken kasi feeling ko na basta mabasa niya yun, and if ever dumating kami sa time na parang di na namin kaya, naisip ko that the letter will be able to help us not to let go.. at kung hindi niya makukuha yun, paano na kami?

Pero ganun siguro talaga.. Si ate jovy na friend ni Boyet was willing to help me. She lives in Singapore. Pero bago ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya, yung friend ko muna na si "C" ang hiningan ko ng tulong. She said na i-email ko daw sa kanya ang detailed instructions na kailangan niya gawin. I did. I sent her emails. I messaged her through friendster. not just once but many times. I got no reply after 2-3 days I think. Then naisip ko, susubukan ko muna, maybe there are other ways.. So i emailed her told her to put everything on hold muna. Then the rest is history... pero minsan naisip ko kung willing talaga siyang tulungan ako, bakit kahit isa sa emails and messages ko hindi niya sinagot? Considering na araw-araw siya nag lo-login sa friendster means nababasa niya... kaya ko lang naman naisip na siya ang unang hingan ng tulong kasi akala ko maasahan ko siya eh... naisip ko babae rin siya, most likely maiintindihan niya ako kesa sa mga guys na kaibigan ko ako mag ask ng help.Kaya ko rin naisip na baka matulungan niya ako is because unlimited naman yung plan nun cell niya... so hindi naman siya magagastusan ng extra if ever. i was planning nga na mag send sa kanya ng money through western union kung magawan niya ng paran talaga.. pero until this very day wala man lang akong nareceived na message galing sa kanya. Kahit acknowledgement lang, wala. Oh well, now I know.Buti pa si ate jovy na hindi ko personal na kilala. ni hindi ko pa nakikita, willing mag extend ng tulong. I know maliit ang income ng tao na'to sa singapore. Wala sa one fourth ng kinikita ng friend ko na si "C", pero siya pa yung eager mag-offer ng tulong. Akala ko pa naman naging mas maganda yung friendship namin lalo na nun nagkitakita kami nun pumunta kami Singapore dati, yun pala kasi siguro wala lang... yun. hay in times or trouble malalaman mo talaga kung sino yung pwede mo maasahan eh ano?!?! sobrang liit na pabor... okay lang naman kasi me ibang tao naman na willing tumulong pero kasi pakiramdam ko napeke ako, Yun yun eh. yung pakiramdam na, mali pala ako ng pagkakakilala sa kanya. Akala ko kasi... sa takbo kasi ng kwento niya dati parang akala ko siya yung tipo ng tao na tutulong basta kaya, yun pala hindi. yun pala OK habang mag kaharap lang kayo.. Ang pangit. napaplastikan ako.

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i miss you..

undefinable...

sept8.2008
9.30pm


maybe they're about 42,000 feet above the ground now like what the pilot would always announce in the middle of the flight.. Oh gosh i miss him already...


those of you who might be reading my post might get confused as to what really our relationship is like, it's really magulo. but from the last talk that we had, oh well it wasn't really a "serious" talk about us but we still talked anyway.. i gathered that maybe i just misinterpreted his actions. maybe he was just different from most people. maybe... maybe... and again there is HOPE.

We talked on the phone before he left... We never got the chance na magkita kanina kaya nagusap na lang kami sa phone.. I went to manila because I had to give him something, he said "me pinapapirmahan lang sa amin. Intayin mo ako pls." I was there 1.30. His was told his flight was 3pm. I waited. 2pm. Waited Still. 2.30. Waited still. I knew he wasn't coming but I waited still... 2.45 when I decided to leave. I can still remember how the jollibee guy looked at me. I don't know what he was thinking. But i noticed he was always smiling at me. Maybe he saw me making too many attempts to call on my phone but would end up slamming my clam phone together. Maybe he knew no one was answering on the other end.And again for too many times, he was looking and smiling at me. Somehow I felt relieved. I didn't know him. But his gesture calmed me. It was like as if he was telling me "don't worry he is coming".

at 2.45 pm I went to the nearby goldilocks to buy "sago't gulaman" ... then i noticed there is a missed call on my phone. THere it said "BAD HABIT". My jayson... I called him back...Immediately after he answered the phone he said sorry and parang mauubusan ng oras he said "mahal na mahal kita" ng paulit ulit.

We talked pretty long. If only we can stay on the phone forever. If only he won't have to leave... But then, I knew he needs that. For himself. For his family.And hopefully for us. :)

I cried on the phone. Sheesh. Can't help it kasi I thougt he'll leave without talking to me. And my heart sunk when he told me "sorry kung ninakawan kita ng halik nun huwebes a. Gustong gusto nga kita yakapin e". Then I asked him "bakit di mo ginawa?" Then he said "sabi mo kasi "hindi na tayo..." Sana pala ginawa niya..KAsi gustong gusto ko rin siya i-hug ngayon..

Then he also said na mag-ingat ako lagi. He said "thank you" too many times. He said he won't forget me. He said na sana itext ko parin at tawagan paminsan minsan parents at mga kapatid niya sa baguio..para kahit pano di mawalan communication namin.. THEn sabi niya ibinilin din daw niya na lagi din daw nila ako itext kasi siya baka mahirapan siya minsan i-contact ako kasi minsan buwan ang binibilang ng hindi nag da-dock yung barko... He said babalik siya...

Then I spoke with his Uncle Cayetano. Tito Cayetano said they'll be gone for 3 yrs. he asked me If I can wait for Jayson... I said "YES".

I said YES. Kahit officially hindi naman kami that time... Pero parang again hindi naman kami nagbreak kasi paulit ulit niyang sinabi kanina "mahal na mahal kita"...***sigh***

mahal ko rin siya...

His uncle's question seems to have paved the way for Me and Jayson to get back together..

Yes kami na ulit.

Right after I spoke with his uncle I told Jayson that I'm willing to give it another shot. I wanna give it another shot Because I love him. I asked Jayson what he would have to say about it. He said he never even considered breaking up with me in the first place. Hindi pa siya give up. Kaya daw pag nakikipag break ako, hindi siya nag re-react... I'm glad.

That is so him. You break-up with him, then the next time you talk it will be as if kayo pa rin...siya, na nag sasabi sayo ng plans niya three years later... Siya, na manghihingi ng kiss sa phone. Siya, na mag A-ilove you... Hay. I miss him already.

Hanggang sa makasakay ako ng bus magkausap kami. He was even planning for the future... Na mag iipon kami pareho... At pagbalik niya, bibili siya ng Kotse at pupuntahan niya ako at pupunta kami sa kanila sa Baguio.

Sabi ko sa kanya baka magpunta ulit ako ng singapore... next year. At baka dun ako mag work... He even told me na dun na kami magpakasal... this is not the first time he told me that.. una nag kwento nito sa akin MAMA niya.
Tinanong daw kasi nun pinsan nila na si CHAYA si Jayson kung ano pangarap niya.. Then sumagot daw si Jayson, seryoso yung pagkakasagot. Ang Sabi daw ni Jayson pangarap niya na magkalupa at sasakyan tapos mag-aasawa na siya. Then nagtanong Daw si CHAYA kung kanino naman siya magpapakasal the sabi daw ni Jayson "Kanino pa, e di kay Pia".

Kausap ko ang mama ni Jayson sa Phone nun kinukwento niya yun. It seems that she was happy naman with Jayson's answer. She even said na nun kinuwento daw sa kanya yun ni Chaya ang nasabi daw niya e "ay naku talaga ba? ay naku sige ipag pray natin na sana magtuloy tuloy na..."

Before I left for Singapore dati, bago kami magboard kausap ko rin si Jayson sa phone na mejo pahapyaw niyang sinabi sa akin na pagbalik niya after three years...

Dati magkausap kami nabanggit din niya na magpakasal kami...May mga iba pang instances before na binabanggit niya. Minsan dinadaan sa biro...

At kanina inulit na naman niya sabihin sa akin. Sabi ko OO. :)

He has plans. Im happy na kasama ako...:) And i don't care whether he meant it that time or not. Ang importante sa akin ng mga panahon na yun, masarap at masaya ang pakiramdam ko... tsaka ko na lnag iisipin yung bukas...

It's too early to talk about marriage.Maraming pwedeng mangyari... I know. But at this point, you can only dream about it. And hope that it materializes....

I know it's too early to plan for the future. But that's what people in love do. Diba? It's not as if im raising my hopes too high. Im just happy with how our conversation went kanina.. Still we don't know what's in store in the future.. maaaring nasabi lang niya yun kanina because kanina ramdam na ramdam niya na mahal niya ako at maaaring pag matagal niya ako di nakita magfade na lang yung love na yun... pero diba, there is always a possibility na mahal talaga niya ako at mapanatili niya yung kung ano man feelings meron siya para sa akin? That's why Im giving it a shot. For the last time.

Somehow deep inside i feel that we have created a very special connection to each other. Even if until now di ko pa rin alam plan ni lord para sa amin. Pero dati naisip ko na, na, ito yung binigay na chance ni lord sa amin ni Jayson. It's up to us how we're going to work our way around it. kung papabayan namin, then it's our fault. Kung nagpabaya kami, then maybe we're not meant for each other kasi sinayang namin yung chance na binigay sa amin.. that's why hanggang ngayon...im fighting for it. Kasi ayokong dumating yung time na magsisi ako kasi di ko binigay lahat.


Im sad kasi kahit naman siguro sino na naiwan nakakaramdam ng lungkot e. Ako pa kaya na ganto ang posisyon sa buhay niya... Pero masaya rin ako for him kasi alam ko, this job will be an instrument for his dreams to be realized.

NAtatandaan ko the first time na makausap ko si MAMA ni Jayson. Kasi tatawag daw sila sa akin kasi gusto ako makausap.. this is one thing that I like about our realtionship kasi kahit di pa kami nagkikita ng pamilya niya, they seem to really like me. And yes I really like them too. :)

Naaalala ko my conversation with his MAMA. Kasi sabi sa akin ng mama niya, si Jayson daw talaga yung "sakit" nila sa ulo. Oh well, that I can see. Si jayson kasi yung typical na lalaki na carefree. Very free spirited. Oh well atleast that's how I see him e. Then sabi niya sa akin na sana ako na lang daw sana yung mag pasensiya kay Jayson. Na sana pagkatiwalaan ko na lang daw siya (jayson), at maniwala ako sa sinasabi niya... SAbi ko OPO. Then I also told her na "BILIB" ako kay Jayson.

Kanina before we said goodbye I don't know buthe asked me what did i like about him... I said "wala". I was a bit embarrased to answer him s so instead I just said "di ko nga alam e. E ikaw, anu nagustuhan mo sa akin?" The he said O sige ako na lang, ako na lang..." "Gusto ko sayo...chubby (sabay tawa), maganda, mabait..."

I knew the answer to his question. Pero kanina di ko masabi, siguro kasi parang ang onti ng oras namin, tapos pareho pa namin alam na malapit ng ma-empty yung battery ng phone niya.. infact kanina nung naputol yung call, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya para sabihin sa akin kung bakit nadisconnect... First time. Kahit sa kapatid niya parang labag ang loob niya na makitext. It somehow goes to show na siya siguro yung tipo na ayaw ng nakakaabala sa kapwa niya hanggat maari... pero kanina, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya sa upuan... Sobrang naapreciate ko yun...

Going back to his question... Ofcourse alam na alam ko yung sagot ko dun...

For some reason I feel that "I can see through him".

Despite his being pasaway, I can see the gentleness. I can see the goodness. I can see someone who is passionate. Someone who is driven. Someone who is sweet. Someone who is a dreamer. Someone who is full of potential. Someone who is loving. Someone who is funny. Someone who is a child. Someone who can make something of himself someday...

For some reason naniniwala talaga ako sa kakayanan niya... Naniniwala ako na if given the chance kaya niyang gawin at tuparin lahat ng pangarap niya sa buhay...

I believe in HIM.

SAna someday makita ko pag naging successful na siya.. Kasi pag andun pako nun ibig sabihin kami pa rin. :)

Sana nga...

My Boo

I really can't stay mad at him. Just the other day I went out to see him. We talked as if nothing happened. Well, parang ala naman talaga nangyari e. :) I learned on that day that he wasn't really giving up like what I thought.. Oo nga naman sinabi nga naman niya sa text "basta ako nandito lang lagi para sayo".. yun pala ibig sabihin nun. Funny but a day after we saw each other I feel weird again like I want to get back together with him. If I'll be honest with myself, that is the truth. Drat. Here I go again, the Hope thing. Damn.

He even told me that "3 years..."

He meant that after three years he want me and him...

Eto na naman siya.. acting as if I didn't break up with him... if only I can turn back on my words again.. kung pwede sana mag pretend din ako na hindi naki pagbreak... coz, damn i wanna give it another shot.

And ganda sana sa pakiramdam. Na merong taong gusto kang makasama kahit hindi pa niya alam kung ano ang mangyayari bukas.. Ang sarap pakingggan na merong taong inaanticipate ang "three years later" na kasama ka... Pero pero pero, BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE DAYS INBETWEEN NOW AND THREE YEARS LATER? How can I see the future if we can't even fix our relationship now... Hindi naman pwedeng blangko yung relationship namin tapos to be continued na lang after three years.. know what i'm saying? Kung ngayon na andito lang kami pareho sa Pilipinas hindi constant yung commnunication namin, anu pa kaya pag umalis na siya... and I really can't carry on like that. I want somethin REAL. CONSISTENT. CONSTANT. COMMITMENT. Im not getting any younger and I can't put my life on hold to something that is not there... I don't mind waiting. I can wait. But I can only wait for someone who is in love with me...

Gusto kong malibang

I got myself a new gadget. Hehe. I bought IPOD classic 80g kahapon. Bigla ko lang naisip nun mapadaan ako sa electroworld... hay. :)

Moving on...

Why can't I really let go?

Why is it that everytime Im giving him up, Im hoping, on the back of my mind thinking, that he won't give up on me?

But then everything, may hangganan... no matter how much you're willing to love and understand a person, matatapos at matatapos din pala... sometimes ganun nga siguro. Pag ikaw na lang lagi ang umiintindi, nakakapagod din... but then still you'll think... hopefully... crap. There again, that word i'm starting to hate now. Hope. I keep hoping, that tomorrow it will be a brand new day for US. That we'll be able to meet half-way and settle our differences. But It was only me willing to compromise. How in the hell is that gonna work for us then? Now I can say we're hopeless...

But.. still I HOPE. Because I FEEL...

Why is it that I hope a lot when maybe this relationship has been doomed from the very beginning.

But then with just one phone call, everything changed.

With just one line... "inaantok nako..."

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind, but this is not the firsttime he told me that... I was so hurt that again he was being so unmindful of my feelings. We still had issues, and yet nagpapahiwatig na siya na gusto na niya tapusin ang paguusap namin just because inaantok na siya..? I've NEVER experience this before. Never. So uncaring. And UNINTERESTED>----Something hit me so hard. Enlightening. REalization. I finally had the courage to accept to myself that "WE" are REALLY hopeless. ANY person who will be in his situation, who will feel uninterested of our topic is so welcome to get out of my life. For all I care.


HE MADE ME GIVE UP. It's high time to really LET IT GO. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I wonder why. Oh yeah I think I know why. Because I was quite prepared for it. I had a feeling this will happen... because what i was doing was just delaying the inevitable.

I have to admit. This time I was Angry. And there was no room for understanding in my heart during that time. I was Mad and that is all I know. Most of all I was Hurt. That line "Inaantok nako" says it all. It says "we're over".

Just two days ago I have considered giving him another chance... but then later that night instead of making up, I finally gave up...Finally. Ganun pala yun. May mga tao lang siguro talagang madaling mahalin na mahirap mahalin... Siya yun. Kasi hindi siya marunong magalaga sa love na binibigay mo sa kanya... Sayang.

...Can't find the right words...

“I Only Want to be with You”
Vonda Shephard


I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do
I wanna spend each moment of the day with you
Look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this

It's crazy but it's true
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance

Now listen honey, I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we've met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance
Now listen honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care

'Cause you started something can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

BACK TO YOU (John Mayer)

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
with your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

Oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
back to me
doesn't it scare you
your will is not as strong
as it used to be

Additional Lyrics:
...doesn't it scare you, doesn't it piss you off...

I'm weaker than you know

I'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to find my way to you
but it's no use, in a crowded room
where everybody wants you

It's confirmed. I've gone crazy.

I Feel So Unhappy ....

For Jayson

I just got back from our trip to KL and Singapore, and during the time I was there, I really didn't think much about me and Jayson, but I still think of him every single day most specially before I got to sleep. WE definitely had issues we need to fix, and as long as it's not fixed then I won't be happy... Since he's unable to change (Oh don't get wrong, but maybe he's really not yet ready to be in a relationship), I felt I really have to end it already... you might be thinking what happened in between now and my last post. Well I couldn't say we got back together but it was more like, he didn't know that we've broken up already or that he was just pretending he didn't know... the reason why I allowed us to get back together was because of the "sign" that I asked from the lord whether to continue our relationship or not.. the sign came two days after I ended "it"... And so we got back together only for me to end it again while I was in Singapore. And God knows, I wasn't happy with my decision...

When I met Jayson, he meant to leave for work... Leave as in for another country... even before I left for Singapore our communication is very erratic. And when I left for Singapore, I had a taste of what it would be like when he leaves for work... And I cannot accept that. Maybe that's just how he handles a relationship, but I beg to differ... and that's where our problem comes in. Before kasi tanggap ko na ganun lang siguro talaga SA NGAYON. For the mean time. Pero habang tumatagal, wala pa ring improvement.. We don't really see each other since he lives in Baguio so I feel that we have to make bawi sa communication man lang, so kung rare yung communication I feel that we should not be more than friends... And sometimes pag naiinis kasi ako, naiisip ko lagi na " I won't have it any other way If I can't have it my way" pero at the end of the day, when you really love someone, you'll try your best to understand them ... accept it as it is... mag tiis. Ganun.

But my leaving for Singapore has helped me finalized my decision. We went to KL first and stayed two days, on the third day we went to Singapore. On the fourth day and still no sign from him I finally "ended it". I thought, If a person really loves you, he should be concerned whether you landed safely or not, oh well ofcourse he knew I was safe because I TOLD HIM, but it's still different if HE is exerting extra effort to make you feel that he is thinking and cares about you, right? I knew he was mad at me for breaking up with him, he told me that Iba-iba ang tao... He told me na mahal daw niya ako and that iba-iba lang talaga and characters ng mga tao. I AGREE. But I don't deserve that kind of treatment. AND if he can't give me what I need, I'm gonna let him go, and he can find someone else who can make do with the way he's handling relationship. My hopes were high before na kahit marami kaming issues, makakaya namin yung isolve. Pero I cannot do it alone. And all the more that it won't be solved if he's not taking any steps to solve it.


...But still I hope. And Im not closing my doors. Im open to any possibilities. In the future... who knows... but that will only happen if he knows how to treat a girlfriend right. Somehow I can understand him. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon what's going on. Before issue na rin ito but when I told him about what I feel regarding his feelings for me, he said that It was wrong for me to just judge him like that. For a while I was taken aback for a very "matured" statement he just said. Maybe he was right. I was wrong. And maybe I am wrong for measuring his love for me just like that. Maybe I am wrong. But I won't have it any other way if I can't have it my way. And I mean it this time. Sobra sobra na ba yung hinihingi ko?? Di ba hindi naman?? and I know it's something that should NOT be asked. Kasi between a couple it should be given voluntarily.. at pag hiningi just because hindi binibigay ng kusa then there is something wrong with the relationship. That's why I decided that we end it. I could have given him more time. I could have understand him more. Pero I had a feeling that I was trying to push things more harder. At pag pinilit ko pa e hindi naman pala para saken, baka magkasira lang talaga kami at the end. So I felt mas mabuti pa na maghiwalay kami while I still love him kasi kaya ko pa siya intindihin, and that's what I've been doing ever since... Ayokong dumating sa point na magalit ako... Kasi when I get mad, it's gonna be bad for the two of us.

There was one point, I was hoping na hindi siya papayag sa break-up...

...but then, he just gave up too, so maybe hanggang dito na lang talaga kami...

Is it Over Now?

I am a walking contradiction talaga sa maraming bagay, pero hindi pagdating sa decision making... ngayun lang. Just the other night I was so hellbent on putting the "thing" to a halt, pero the next day iba na decision ko, siguro kasi nakapag isip isip nako nun umaga na tsaka marami na akong nakausap na tao, nahingan ng advice.. then narealize ko sige tama sila... onti pa... then that freaking text message the morning probably drove him away! And I don't know what he's thinking. IF only...

Mabuti na lang andyan si Lindsey (his sister), somehow natutulungan niya ako how to understand him, pero I cant txt her now kasi nag rereview siya for board exam.. Maybe he gave up already... Ang lungkot pala. Malungkot na malungkot. HIndi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Ako kasi sobrang maprinsipyo akong tao. Pamantayan ko lagi "SAy what you mean, Mean what you SAy". that's why until the last time we "talked" i never got the chance to tell him that I...Him. YUn. Hay. Kasi sobrang inintay ko yun time na ramdam na ramdam ko siya. Yung tipong ako mismo kumbinsido ako na, a tototo nga, nararamdaman ko na siya... Until this week came. Its been a week na na wala kami communication, siguro totoo nga rin yung sinabi ng iba na you'll only realize the worth of a person in your life until they are gone... and now he's gone... Ay ang lungkot talaga. AND i wanna tell him that I...him. Pero wala naman siya? Kanino ko sasabihin yun?!?! Its true pala, its hard to say I Love you when you really mean it. Totoo Pala. I kept denying kasi... At minsan nagyayari na lang pala yun without reason, Si ako kasi gusto lagi me explanation ang lahat lahat e. There are just somethings lang pala talaga that you can't explain. Na you just know its happening for a reason, kung ano man yung reason na yun, Si GOD na lang nakakaalam...

A few weeks back my friend Alice kept asking me "SINO si JAYSON?" Buti na lang panggabi ako kaya hindi nila ako masyado na iinterrogate.. although merong di nakakaalam, marami rin naman akong sinabihan sa mga kaibigan ko. Kumalat lang sa buong Team namin yun everyday name na "JAYSON" dahil one day, yung papel na sinusulatan namin ng mga confirmation numbers nasulatan ko pala ng name na "JAYSON" sa likod, nakita ng Team Manager ko at ibinalita sa lahat ng ka Team ko, kaya kinabukasan ako ang topic nila sa meeting. AT ang akala nilang JAYSON ay yung lalaking nakatabi ko sa Bus na ibinayad ako ng pamasahe from Buendia to Binan kasi tulog ako nun maningil yun conductor... hindi na niya yata ako pinagising e.. pero siyempre nagising ako before sa amin, at siyempre nalaman ko na di pa ako bayad kaya pinilit ko ibalik yun ibinayad niya, tapos never nako lumingon dun sa side niya. Kesyo mag ka stiffneck ako sa pag tingin sa kaliwa Keri lang. Hiyang Hiya kasi ako. Masyado ako nag enjoy sa pagtulog. Hanggang ngayon issue yung iba daw yung itsura ko ngayon, at yung ngiti ko. E wala naman nabago saken e. Hanggang ngayon tinatanong pa rin nila ako... kaya nilagay ko ang URL nitong blog ko sa friendster e para masagot yung tanong nila kung sino si JAYSON.

I miss my friend me-anne. She was the one who enlightened me to give it a shot e, but now that things are not going well, I don't wanna let her know kasi I know iisipin din ako nun kahit papaano, e sobrang delicate yung pregnancy niya.. Hay buti pa siya magkaka baby na...

Natatandaan ko nagtext si Me-anne saken one night, sabi niya "wag mong
kakalimutan na ang tracker sulatan ng confirmations mo, hindi ng pangalan ng
taong laman lagi ng isip mo". Hehe. Narealized ko, may point siya dun.

But now he's gone e. And i don't know what made him give up... Sayang, ni hindi ko man langnasabi sa kanya... SIguro this is for the best na rin, kasi siguro fate na yung nag decide for us. Although, ayoko ng decision ni fate wala naman ako magagawa e. I miss him. Im trying to take this all in very lightly... masyado na akong naapektohan e. ayoko nang mas maging miserable pa.

Half-hearted

I just got back from watching the premier night of "A very special love" hehe, twas super. Luvet! I was halfway out there you know, if only the movie wasn't that good maybe I wouldnt have watched it at all, because half of my mind was occupied. I don't know... on my way back to the office I just came up with a decision, I was riding the elevator and my knees were trembling because of that. I didn't want that decision, but I have to. We, girls, sometimes falling in love shocks the hell out of us. And the freaked-out me chose to ran away. Oh well, guess its not meant to be. I was braver before. But as soon as I have admitted to myself that maybe I am inlurv-- oooopss! I don't even wanna say it. Admitting it would weaken me, I know.

This decision makes me sad. I never wanted this. I didn't want it to end. But sometimes we're left with no choice if we want to save atleast what's left of us. If ony he was a bit older... siguro mas magkakaintindihan kami... bakit ba laging issue ang age? diba dapat hindi naman? Pero kasi yun ang problema e. Siguro kasi di pa siya ganun ka matured, so minsan di pa niya alam kung ano ipa-prioritize niya... this is not the right time for the two of us siguro. Not when Im 24 and he was just 19. This won;t be the right time for us kung hindi niya pipiliting mag adjust. I cannot do it alone.

Plane Ticket: Done!

Last saturday, Erin And I have booked our flight to Kuala Lumpur and back. Luckily umabot pa kami sa promo ng Malaysia Airlines.. or shall I say, I'm lucky kasi umabot pa AKO sa promo. :)

We intended to book it last Friday but I think the MH website was down so we were unsuccessful then.. Then Saturday morning right after our shift, we went ahead and booked our plane tickets. In MH, one way to KL would cost 91USD if you're lucky enough to catch their promo. Three mos ago it was only 79USD. Two mos ago it was 89USD. A week ago it was 99USD. Then the promo ended last Sunday JULy 13. We we're supposed to book all three of Us at the same time but whenever we were putting in 3 adults, the total would always come out as 500+ USD. So we thought, we might as well book it individually. We tasked Erin to book our Flight, since your's truly have done her share on extensive researching already.. (hehe) , so I asked her to book her own ticket first because she's too familiar already with her own personal details before she book mine and Maricon's... but since she was unable to book it last friday and we were together naman the next day, I went with her. Since I was with her, the tendency is that I go first. (as usual. Oh dear I should know better. She was afraid she'll mess up her booking! HEHE) .
I booked mine. Done. With all the taxes it's about 101 USD.

Then when it was her turn to book her own, the total went to about 198 USD. Don't know what happened. We even tried to use a different computer with different ISP. no LUck.

I was also in a panic kasi there'll be a tendency na mag Tiger na lang sila or AirAsia. KAsi 200USD is already the amount of a two way ticket, sobra silang mamamahalan... But still, trying to be brave, I told Erin to think about booking MH kasi it;s so expensive na nga. Then right after, in split seconds I made a decision that I can GO ALONE. They can go to Clark instead and that's OK with me, But Erin chose to Book MH no matter, even if it's 200 USD one way because she was afraid to fly with just herself and MAricon. HEHE. Parang sayang ang money lang kasi... but anyways maybe luck wasn't on our side then.. Then we booked Cabu Pacific for our return Manila from Singapore.

I.CAN;T.SAY.IT...ATLEAST.NOT.YET

I probably won't get tired reading his messages. I feel something I never dared think about much more say out loud even to my friends, most specially to him who I know have been wanting to hear it from me since it all started. I feel it. I think about it. I think I know it... I just can't bring myself to say it....

I have to be certain.. I might be mistaken..

When you're happy and you know it CLap your Hands!

JULY 6, 2008. I have taken the road I was so trying to avoid before. I don't know what happened to me to make a decision in such a haste. Not that I didn't think hard enough about it, but it was something that my head didn't make but my heart. Sometimes I wonder what he's got that has made me so reckless of the possibilities of me getting hurt in the end. But, heck, Im giving it a shot, come what may...


It's been a roller coaster ride ever since..

He was the one who started everything... I was NOT even in love... I was merely the one who gave ourselves a chance... but why is it lately... I think the table has turned already..

Shall I now brace myself for the pain that is near?

It's hard. MOst of the time I want to give up on him. But I'm hanging on.. I believe in HIm despite his age...

PLS Don't disappoint me J. Remember we were friends first. And YOU were the one who got me into this... Be patient with me.. I want to make sure of myself.

Philippine Passport: Done!

I knew my plan to go to singapore will push through.. no matter what it takes, i will make it happen! Come hell or high water. (hehe). Yesterday I finally got my Passport. New look. Never liked it. Looked fake. My papa's passport eons ago looked even more better. And my aunt told me that there is some kind a new thingy about DFA changing the passport again by september.. duh.

I know I should have started blogging about it from the very first stage of planning, but then like I said before, I lost interest blogging when my lolo died. Im gonna let you in on a little secret... one reason why I cannot blog was because I was afraid to be left alone in our room in the middle of the night, not entirely the reason, but this is one factor I can't blog that time.. ang babaw ko talaga! I loved lolo. Never doubt it. But i always felt that before he died he wanted to go to our house and sleep in our room kasi me aircon! hehe. sosyal si tatay e. :) the night he died dapat dun siya natutulog sa kwarto namin ni ate... kaso di ako nakapunta sa kanila... minsan nga naisip ko, siguro kung nasundo ko sila, maybe, just maybe.. buhay pa siya. Halos after a month nga na nailibing si lolo bago ako nagkalakas loob na gamitin yung air-con, hehe, minsan naiimagine ko na during my sleep bigla na lang bubukas yung air-con.. hehe. ala lang. meron lang akong over active imagination sometimes.

***sigh***

atska another reason na naisip ko siguro kung di ko sinabihan si lolo nun wake niya na wag niya ako dadalawin siguro dinalaw ako nun kasi alam ko love na love ako nun e. I felt he would like to see me if only I was not afraid. Kasi about 6 yrs ago, mejo muntikan na rin si tatay e.. nasa probinsya pa sila nun na nung nagkamalay yata siya ako agad yung hinanap niya. So go agad ako dun, at nagiiyak bago pa makapasok sa hospital room. Did i mention here that I was the favorite? :) Suplado yun e. Ako lang and apo na nakaka tolerate.. :) hehe. Love him. Miss him. Everyday.

Anyway going back to my Singapore chuva, yun nga I got my passport yesterday, july 8. I applied for it, monday Jun16, pero dahil maarte ang tao dun di kami tinanggap! bumalik daw kami Jun 18. Hay nako.. pagkatapos kong magkandaligaw ligaw... wala rin pala. In short, wasted! At eto pa, palitan ko daw yung picture ko! hah. Tsk. tsk. tsk.. nenenegosyo..kasi gusto nila dun ka magpapicture dun sa nasa loob ng covered court, which I later learned na may "quota" daw kasi yung mga empleyado ng DFA dun. Imagine, ang passport size dun PHP 150! e sa labas PHP 60 lang kaya yun.. bale yun yung kwento saken nun may-ari ng LOUIES STUDIO sa Binan.

Owner: O bakit di tinanggap 'to? ( I was showing them my picture na sila ang kumuha na nireject nun taga DFA)

Pia: E kasi yung royale blue na color sa likod di daw pantay kulay. Medyo dark daw po yun sa me lower part.

Owner: E yung sa aming mag-anak nun naka raang araw lang kami nag-punta dun, lahat kami natanggap.

Pia: Ewan ko nga po e.

Owner: Anu oras ka ba nagpunta dun?

Pia: Maaga po. around 600 am andun na kami e..

Owner: Ah, kaya na reject yan kasi namalas ka lang na ma tripan kasi di pa nila naabot yung" quota nila" E kami mag- anak, tanghali pumunta, ok naman lahat.

O wala lang, share ko lang. kainis Kasi.Tsk.

Tapos yung nga pinababalik na lang kami ng WED, jun 18. I was with Erin e, yung friend ko at yung pasaway niyang kapatid na si JUAN CARLOS. Hehe. Magantihan kahit sa pamamamagitan ng pangalan! hehe. Bawal pala pumasok sa DFA pag wala ka gagawin noh? kasi naiwan si JC sa labas e. Hehe. nun binalikan namin siya, nakasimangot na. Mainit na ulo. :) Tapos, since sobra aga pa. It was only around 8am nun lumabas kami ng premises ng DFA, nag kaayaan kami ng MOA. I've never been there... Hindi ko naman pwede i-consider yung pagkain sa Gerry's Grill sa me likod and ang panunuod ng Pyrolympics (tama ba spell tama ba?!?) na naka punta na ako ng MOA e diba? Nakiraan pwede pa. E lahat kami mga engklok, nag lakad kami! e wala naman ako alam dun sa lugar na yun e. It is the part in Manila na hindi ko napupuntahn. Bring me to Manila ( except Roxas blvd area) or Quezon City and I'd know how to find my way around. But there along Roxas blvd? Ang hirap dun e. Tsk Tsk. Si JC me kasalanan niyan e. Nagmamarunong. Hehe. Masaya pala 'to, nagagantihan ko siya sa mga pangaapi niya sa akin! hehe. Pero sumakay din kami dun sa maliit na sasakyan na kulay orange, Kaya pagdating sa MOA, sarado pa siya! ang sya saya. Punta kami dun s likod.. Ganda pala dun. kasi nun nag Gerry's kami and nanoond ng Pyrolympics gabi e. wala ako makitang view. Sa umaga maganda pala siya, kitang kita yung "maduming tubig" hehe. infairness tinaasan yung harang para di visible ang mga floating objects . :) , at narealize ko dahil naka flip flops lang ako, ang dumi na pala ng paa ko sa haba ng nilakad namin.. tsk tsk. sablay talaga. buti na lang useful ang wet tissue!

Tapos, yun nga bumalik kami ng WED sa DFA. 9am ang appointment ko si Erin 8am. So she went first. HIndi na sumama si JC. Hehe. Tingin ko nadala.. :) That Day was Jun 18th. Yung last day ng promo ng Malaysia Airlines was Jun 22, so obviously di kami aabot kahit ipa expedite pa namin yung processing nung passport. So we agreed na regular processing na lang, on the back of our mind hoping kami na mag karon ulit ng promo ang MH. kasi pangalawa na yun e. which we also missed. Drat. Ako naiwan dun sa me pila sa GAte 2, para dun nga sa me mga appointment ng 9am. I met a girl named Lory. Buti na lang kasi di ko namalayan yung takbo ng oras mahigit 1 oras din pala yung lumipas simula ng pumila kami dun... Todo kwentuhan kasi kami, kala mo matagal na magkakilala. :) Then pinuntahan ako ni Erin right after niya matapos. Sabi niya sa akin na pag pumunta daw ako sa Auditorium, pumunta ako dun sa area ng bayaran. Marami daw upuan sa loob ng auditorium, wag daw ako uupo agad kasi kelangan ko muna mag bayad.

So i went.

And I paid.

And I sat.

...Nakita ko ulit si Lory... naalala ko yung kwentuhan namin nun nakapila kami sa labas ng Gate2. kasi napag kwentuhan namin na ang mga GOvt employees, hndi naman sa nilalahat, pero ang image nila sa mata ng nakakarami ay mga "masusungit". E me babae dun sa me mga maraming windows na area na feeling ko nag pa-power tripping lang sya. she was giving the nanay a hard time na nag-aaply ng passport. Sobra. GRRRR!. Naalala ko nga nun nakapila pa ako, Erin txted me na pag Expedited makukuha daw ng jun 27, pag regular Jul 18. When I read her text, I called her up immediately kasi narealized ko, angtagal masyado ng JUL 18. E si ako, medyo hindi talent ang mag hintay.

So I was on the phone telling Erin to have it "EXP--- nada. cut. gone.

"Erin?! sayang ang load!"

....then I learned later that day na sinungitan siya nun isang empleyado sa DFA kasi nag se-cellphone siya. Hay... Highblood! Ayun, na-tensyon, ni-end ang call! TSk. I was thingking I'll have mine expedited na lang.. kasi nga ayoko ng nag-iintay talaga... ( funny how they call it "overnight" dun sa DFA, e yung overnight nila ang ibig sabihin 7 working days.. tsk. tsk kelan pa naging Overnight yun??!?! ) pero at the end regular na rin yung kinuha ko kasi yung mga expedited pala afternoon makukuha ng jun 27 e me pasok ako sa gabi... so regular na lang kaya kahapon JUL 8, nakuha ko na passport ko. hehe. Another valid ID! :) Wala lang, masya lang kasi SSS lang ang meron ako valid ID e. :)

Oh before ko makalimutan,, kasi baka mabasa niya 'to magtampo kasi di ko siya nabanggit. :) I met a guy named Jayson, dun sa loob ng auditorium. Naalala ko pa yung sinabi ni Erin na pag nakakita ako ng maraming upuan, wag daw ako uupo. Kasi ganun daw yung ginawa niya. :) I met Jayson, sa ganung scenario. Isa siyang biktima. hehe. kasi nasa kalagitnaan na siya ng rows ng upuan ng magtanong siya saken kung babayaran daw ba yung recibo na binigay sa amin dun sa me maraming windows.. I said yes. And I noticed his panic stricken face :) , siguro naisip niya na kung aalis siya sa pila para magbayad, he has to start lining up again simula dun sa huling nakapila. E dahil mabait ako, sabi ko sa kanya bayaran na niya at i sa-save ko yung seat niya, then the lady on my other side, hindi rin pala nagbayad..I-save ko rin daw yung seat niya.. E bakit ba kasi yung payment people nandun sa pinaka loob na corner?!?!?!

Jayson Got his passport Jun 27, he went back to manila, pumunta sa office... ng nakainom. bakit nga ba nag-inom? di ako sure kung narinig ko siya ng tama, pero takot daw siya... sumthing. tsk tsk. pero masaya naman. makulit. Bolero. matigas ulo. :)

Im glad, meron nako Passport.

Next level na on our trip to singapore! later this week, we're gonna book a flight to Kuala lumpur. Kasi KL muna kami, then Bus to SG to we'll go to BATAM Indonesia through ferry. siguro 1 day lang Lami dun sa Batam.

We also have a place to stay na, HAHA. Sosyal..

In Kuala Lumpur we're gonna be staying at the Crowne Plaza KL, that's August 12-14.

Then in Singapore, we'll stay at Holiday INN Atrium. Aug 15-21. At , on our way back siguro yung last night sa Crowne PLaza Changi Airport (AUG 21). YUng sa batam, Holiday INN Batam naman (pagiisipan pa kung saan pwede i singit na araw.., 1 night lang siguro. Have you noticed anything? Cguro wala. hehe. Aaminin ko na employee rate lang lahat yan! :) MAs mura kasi kesa pag kukuha pa ng mga backpacker hotels e.. tapos mahal pag gutso mo solo nyo kwarto, pag naman me ka share ka halos pareho lang ng employee rate namin sa IHG ang kakalabasam kaya nag CP at HI na lang kami. onting dagdag lang pero mas secured na komportable pa! :0

**side thoughts**

kahapon ng pauwi ako sa amin, tinitingnan ko yung passport ko. Tiningnan ko yung validity date.. naisip ko lang kung after a few years... naisip ko lang naman... mawalan kami ng communication...(with Erin I think imposible nang mangyari kasi uber friend ko yun since college pa, so no way talaga na mawawalan kami communication) Yun nga tsine check ko yung validity date.. naisip ko, pare-pareho kaya ng validity date yung aken, kay Erin, lory at Jayson? And if by a beautiful twist of fate, nagkita ulit kami dun to renew our passports...never mind na pala si lory kasi wala naman talaga ako communication talaga. :) Example lang naman.. wala lang. wala ako sinasabi.. naisip ko lang..

Pero! naisip ko rin.. baka hindi na ako philippine passport holder ng time na yun. :) farfetched!!! naisip ko lang naman kaya medyo exaggerated... oo exaggerated talaga. Fine.

...Birthday Tatay!

To the people who became my friend through this blog, I apologize if I haven't been visiting your blog lately... I just kind of lost the drive to blog since my lolo passed away..

and Today we're supposed to be celebrating my Lolo's 85th birthday, who I fondly called Tatay. I thank God for his life. For making me a part of it. I miss him so much. Today June 14th was his birthday. When I was typing the title "Happy Birthday Tatay!" earlier, it made me think if I should still put "happy" before the word "birthday" if the celebrant has passed away already.. oh well just a thought... but the I decided with the "..." instead.

Since he died I never really felt that he's left us, although I'm missing him every single day... but now that we're celebrating his birthday, it's so different that the "celebrant" is not with you anymore. It is today that I have felt terrible longing of seeing him. Holding him. Guiding him. Earlier I just cried all of a sudden. The same feeling I had 2 days prior to his internment, because during that time, I knew that I only had 2 days to see him for the last time.. I missed him then. I still miss him now. But It is today that I miss him the most since he died. a lot of times in a day I think of him, his memories, then my thoughts will be divided between my him and Inay. The person who have felt the most loss, the most painful of pains when my lolo died. If i felt this terrible how much more my grandmother? When lolo passed away, I have easily accepted his death, because I knew that he'll be in a better place where there is no sickness and pain. But when he died, what worried me the most is the person he has left behind. Lola. But Im glad with the strength she's showing us since lolo died. She's proving me otherwise. I'm proud. The person who we thought was weak is after all strong. And I'm praying to God to continue to give her all the strength she needs,and good health . There are days, I stay with lola and sometimes even during my rest days from work, that I stay in my lola's house, and At night when I'm sleeping beside her, I never had a continued sleep. I was sleeping very lightly. Im scared. I would see to it that during the night I'm gonna check on her and Im even gonna hold her hand while sleeping. That's how scared I am. But I believe in her, and I will always be with her all through out.

Makes me think of the Armageddon OST--- "I can stay awake just to hear you breathing...watch you smile while you are sleeping... "

I have lost a grandfather. My ONLY grandfather. ( I was never given the chance to become close with my other grandfather in short. ) And I intend to have my grandmother for a longer time. I don't think I'll be able take it if something happens to her. I just can't. My life is my family. Papa. Mama. Ate. Inay (lola). Tita. Tito. and Lolo (Not in chronological order) These people are my life. I cannot imagine how's life without them.

My lolo's death has become another turning point in my life. Some realizations came within me. Some decisions finalized. It has made me realized that our life is all about numbers. (?). maybe that's why i hate math... life=number. think about it. If only our lives are not being "numbered"...

New Look

Hehe. I kinda Like my new template... very cool to the eyes. The old one, I liked too. I never really had the time to really fix that, until I decided i wanna change it to something new. I guess that's what's not good about me. Madali ako masawa... *sigh*

Lol.

P