undefinable...

sept8.2008
9.30pm


maybe they're about 42,000 feet above the ground now like what the pilot would always announce in the middle of the flight.. Oh gosh i miss him already...


those of you who might be reading my post might get confused as to what really our relationship is like, it's really magulo. but from the last talk that we had, oh well it wasn't really a "serious" talk about us but we still talked anyway.. i gathered that maybe i just misinterpreted his actions. maybe he was just different from most people. maybe... maybe... and again there is HOPE.

We talked on the phone before he left... We never got the chance na magkita kanina kaya nagusap na lang kami sa phone.. I went to manila because I had to give him something, he said "me pinapapirmahan lang sa amin. Intayin mo ako pls." I was there 1.30. His was told his flight was 3pm. I waited. 2pm. Waited Still. 2.30. Waited still. I knew he wasn't coming but I waited still... 2.45 when I decided to leave. I can still remember how the jollibee guy looked at me. I don't know what he was thinking. But i noticed he was always smiling at me. Maybe he saw me making too many attempts to call on my phone but would end up slamming my clam phone together. Maybe he knew no one was answering on the other end.And again for too many times, he was looking and smiling at me. Somehow I felt relieved. I didn't know him. But his gesture calmed me. It was like as if he was telling me "don't worry he is coming".

at 2.45 pm I went to the nearby goldilocks to buy "sago't gulaman" ... then i noticed there is a missed call on my phone. THere it said "BAD HABIT". My jayson... I called him back...Immediately after he answered the phone he said sorry and parang mauubusan ng oras he said "mahal na mahal kita" ng paulit ulit.

We talked pretty long. If only we can stay on the phone forever. If only he won't have to leave... But then, I knew he needs that. For himself. For his family.And hopefully for us. :)

I cried on the phone. Sheesh. Can't help it kasi I thougt he'll leave without talking to me. And my heart sunk when he told me "sorry kung ninakawan kita ng halik nun huwebes a. Gustong gusto nga kita yakapin e". Then I asked him "bakit di mo ginawa?" Then he said "sabi mo kasi "hindi na tayo..." Sana pala ginawa niya..KAsi gustong gusto ko rin siya i-hug ngayon..

Then he also said na mag-ingat ako lagi. He said "thank you" too many times. He said he won't forget me. He said na sana itext ko parin at tawagan paminsan minsan parents at mga kapatid niya sa baguio..para kahit pano di mawalan communication namin.. THEn sabi niya ibinilin din daw niya na lagi din daw nila ako itext kasi siya baka mahirapan siya minsan i-contact ako kasi minsan buwan ang binibilang ng hindi nag da-dock yung barko... He said babalik siya...

Then I spoke with his Uncle Cayetano. Tito Cayetano said they'll be gone for 3 yrs. he asked me If I can wait for Jayson... I said "YES".

I said YES. Kahit officially hindi naman kami that time... Pero parang again hindi naman kami nagbreak kasi paulit ulit niyang sinabi kanina "mahal na mahal kita"...***sigh***

mahal ko rin siya...

His uncle's question seems to have paved the way for Me and Jayson to get back together..

Yes kami na ulit.

Right after I spoke with his uncle I told Jayson that I'm willing to give it another shot. I wanna give it another shot Because I love him. I asked Jayson what he would have to say about it. He said he never even considered breaking up with me in the first place. Hindi pa siya give up. Kaya daw pag nakikipag break ako, hindi siya nag re-react... I'm glad.

That is so him. You break-up with him, then the next time you talk it will be as if kayo pa rin...siya, na nag sasabi sayo ng plans niya three years later... Siya, na manghihingi ng kiss sa phone. Siya, na mag A-ilove you... Hay. I miss him already.

Hanggang sa makasakay ako ng bus magkausap kami. He was even planning for the future... Na mag iipon kami pareho... At pagbalik niya, bibili siya ng Kotse at pupuntahan niya ako at pupunta kami sa kanila sa Baguio.

Sabi ko sa kanya baka magpunta ulit ako ng singapore... next year. At baka dun ako mag work... He even told me na dun na kami magpakasal... this is not the first time he told me that.. una nag kwento nito sa akin MAMA niya.
Tinanong daw kasi nun pinsan nila na si CHAYA si Jayson kung ano pangarap niya.. Then sumagot daw si Jayson, seryoso yung pagkakasagot. Ang Sabi daw ni Jayson pangarap niya na magkalupa at sasakyan tapos mag-aasawa na siya. Then nagtanong Daw si CHAYA kung kanino naman siya magpapakasal the sabi daw ni Jayson "Kanino pa, e di kay Pia".

Kausap ko ang mama ni Jayson sa Phone nun kinukwento niya yun. It seems that she was happy naman with Jayson's answer. She even said na nun kinuwento daw sa kanya yun ni Chaya ang nasabi daw niya e "ay naku talaga ba? ay naku sige ipag pray natin na sana magtuloy tuloy na..."

Before I left for Singapore dati, bago kami magboard kausap ko rin si Jayson sa phone na mejo pahapyaw niyang sinabi sa akin na pagbalik niya after three years...

Dati magkausap kami nabanggit din niya na magpakasal kami...May mga iba pang instances before na binabanggit niya. Minsan dinadaan sa biro...

At kanina inulit na naman niya sabihin sa akin. Sabi ko OO. :)

He has plans. Im happy na kasama ako...:) And i don't care whether he meant it that time or not. Ang importante sa akin ng mga panahon na yun, masarap at masaya ang pakiramdam ko... tsaka ko na lnag iisipin yung bukas...

It's too early to talk about marriage.Maraming pwedeng mangyari... I know. But at this point, you can only dream about it. And hope that it materializes....

I know it's too early to plan for the future. But that's what people in love do. Diba? It's not as if im raising my hopes too high. Im just happy with how our conversation went kanina.. Still we don't know what's in store in the future.. maaaring nasabi lang niya yun kanina because kanina ramdam na ramdam niya na mahal niya ako at maaaring pag matagal niya ako di nakita magfade na lang yung love na yun... pero diba, there is always a possibility na mahal talaga niya ako at mapanatili niya yung kung ano man feelings meron siya para sa akin? That's why Im giving it a shot. For the last time.

Somehow deep inside i feel that we have created a very special connection to each other. Even if until now di ko pa rin alam plan ni lord para sa amin. Pero dati naisip ko na, na, ito yung binigay na chance ni lord sa amin ni Jayson. It's up to us how we're going to work our way around it. kung papabayan namin, then it's our fault. Kung nagpabaya kami, then maybe we're not meant for each other kasi sinayang namin yung chance na binigay sa amin.. that's why hanggang ngayon...im fighting for it. Kasi ayokong dumating yung time na magsisi ako kasi di ko binigay lahat.


Im sad kasi kahit naman siguro sino na naiwan nakakaramdam ng lungkot e. Ako pa kaya na ganto ang posisyon sa buhay niya... Pero masaya rin ako for him kasi alam ko, this job will be an instrument for his dreams to be realized.

NAtatandaan ko the first time na makausap ko si MAMA ni Jayson. Kasi tatawag daw sila sa akin kasi gusto ako makausap.. this is one thing that I like about our realtionship kasi kahit di pa kami nagkikita ng pamilya niya, they seem to really like me. And yes I really like them too. :)

Naaalala ko my conversation with his MAMA. Kasi sabi sa akin ng mama niya, si Jayson daw talaga yung "sakit" nila sa ulo. Oh well, that I can see. Si jayson kasi yung typical na lalaki na carefree. Very free spirited. Oh well atleast that's how I see him e. Then sabi niya sa akin na sana ako na lang daw sana yung mag pasensiya kay Jayson. Na sana pagkatiwalaan ko na lang daw siya (jayson), at maniwala ako sa sinasabi niya... SAbi ko OPO. Then I also told her na "BILIB" ako kay Jayson.

Kanina before we said goodbye I don't know buthe asked me what did i like about him... I said "wala". I was a bit embarrased to answer him s so instead I just said "di ko nga alam e. E ikaw, anu nagustuhan mo sa akin?" The he said O sige ako na lang, ako na lang..." "Gusto ko sayo...chubby (sabay tawa), maganda, mabait..."

I knew the answer to his question. Pero kanina di ko masabi, siguro kasi parang ang onti ng oras namin, tapos pareho pa namin alam na malapit ng ma-empty yung battery ng phone niya.. infact kanina nung naputol yung call, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya para sabihin sa akin kung bakit nadisconnect... First time. Kahit sa kapatid niya parang labag ang loob niya na makitext. It somehow goes to show na siya siguro yung tipo na ayaw ng nakakaabala sa kapwa niya hanggat maari... pero kanina, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya sa upuan... Sobrang naapreciate ko yun...

Going back to his question... Ofcourse alam na alam ko yung sagot ko dun...

For some reason I feel that "I can see through him".

Despite his being pasaway, I can see the gentleness. I can see the goodness. I can see someone who is passionate. Someone who is driven. Someone who is sweet. Someone who is a dreamer. Someone who is full of potential. Someone who is loving. Someone who is funny. Someone who is a child. Someone who can make something of himself someday...

For some reason naniniwala talaga ako sa kakayanan niya... Naniniwala ako na if given the chance kaya niyang gawin at tuparin lahat ng pangarap niya sa buhay...

I believe in HIM.

SAna someday makita ko pag naging successful na siya.. Kasi pag andun pako nun ibig sabihin kami pa rin. :)

Sana nga...