and Today we're supposed to be celebrating my Lolo's 85th birthday, who I fondly called Tatay. I thank God for his life. For making me a part of it. I miss him so much. Today June 14th was his birthday. When I was typing the title "Happy Birthday Tatay!" earlier, it made me think if I should still put "happy" before the word "birthday" if the celebrant has passed away already.. oh well just a thought... but the I decided with the "..." instead.
Since he died I never really felt that he's left us, although I'm missing him every single day... but now that we're celebrating his birthday, it's so different that the "celebrant" is not with you anymore. It is today that I have felt terrible longing of seeing him. Holding him. Guiding him. Earlier I just cried all of a sudden. The same feeling I had 2 days prior to his internment, because during that time, I knew that I only had 2 days to see him for the last time.. I missed him then. I still miss him now. But It is today that I miss him the most since he died. a lot of times in a day I think of him, his memories, then my thoughts will be divided between my him and Inay. The person who have felt the most loss, the most painful of pains when my lolo died. If i felt this terrible how much more my grandmother? When lolo passed away, I have easily accepted his death, because I knew that he'll be in a better place where there is no sickness and pain. But when he died, what worried me the most is the person he has left behind. Lola. But Im glad with the strength she's showing us since lolo died. She's proving me otherwise. I'm proud. The person who we thought was weak is after all strong. And I'm praying to God to continue to give her all the strength she needs,and good health . There are days, I stay with lola and sometimes even during my rest days from work, that I stay in my lola's house, and At night when I'm sleeping beside her, I never had a continued sleep. I was sleeping very lightly. Im scared. I would see to it that during the night I'm gonna check on her and Im even gonna hold her hand while sleeping. That's how scared I am. But I believe in her, and I will always be with her all through out.
Makes me think of the Armageddon OST--- "I can stay awake just to hear you breathing...watch you smile while you are sleeping... "
I have lost a grandfather. My ONLY grandfather. ( I was never given the chance to become close with my other grandfather in short. ) And I intend to have my grandmother for a longer time. I don't think I'll be able take it if something happens to her. I just can't. My life is my family. Papa. Mama. Ate. Inay (lola). Tita. Tito. and Lolo (Not in chronological order) These people are my life. I cannot imagine how's life without them.
My lolo's death has become another turning point in my life. Some realizations came within me. Some decisions finalized. It has made me realized that our life is all about numbers. (?). maybe that's why i hate math... life=number. think about it. If only our lives are not being "numbered"...