Moving on...

Why can't I really let go?

Why is it that everytime Im giving him up, Im hoping, on the back of my mind thinking, that he won't give up on me?

But then everything, may hangganan... no matter how much you're willing to love and understand a person, matatapos at matatapos din pala... sometimes ganun nga siguro. Pag ikaw na lang lagi ang umiintindi, nakakapagod din... but then still you'll think... hopefully... crap. There again, that word i'm starting to hate now. Hope. I keep hoping, that tomorrow it will be a brand new day for US. That we'll be able to meet half-way and settle our differences. But It was only me willing to compromise. How in the hell is that gonna work for us then? Now I can say we're hopeless...

But.. still I HOPE. Because I FEEL...

Why is it that I hope a lot when maybe this relationship has been doomed from the very beginning.

But then with just one phone call, everything changed.

With just one line... "inaantok nako..."

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind, but this is not the firsttime he told me that... I was so hurt that again he was being so unmindful of my feelings. We still had issues, and yet nagpapahiwatig na siya na gusto na niya tapusin ang paguusap namin just because inaantok na siya..? I've NEVER experience this before. Never. So uncaring. And UNINTERESTED>----Something hit me so hard. Enlightening. REalization. I finally had the courage to accept to myself that "WE" are REALLY hopeless. ANY person who will be in his situation, who will feel uninterested of our topic is so welcome to get out of my life. For all I care.


HE MADE ME GIVE UP. It's high time to really LET IT GO. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I wonder why. Oh yeah I think I know why. Because I was quite prepared for it. I had a feeling this will happen... because what i was doing was just delaying the inevitable.

I have to admit. This time I was Angry. And there was no room for understanding in my heart during that time. I was Mad and that is all I know. Most of all I was Hurt. That line "Inaantok nako" says it all. It says "we're over".

Just two days ago I have considered giving him another chance... but then later that night instead of making up, I finally gave up...Finally. Ganun pala yun. May mga tao lang siguro talagang madaling mahalin na mahirap mahalin... Siya yun. Kasi hindi siya marunong magalaga sa love na binibigay mo sa kanya... Sayang.

...Can't find the right words...

“I Only Want to be with You”
Vonda Shephard


I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do
I wanna spend each moment of the day with you
Look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this

It's crazy but it's true
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance

Now listen honey, I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we've met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance
Now listen honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care

'Cause you started something can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

BACK TO YOU (John Mayer)

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
with your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

Oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
back to me
doesn't it scare you
your will is not as strong
as it used to be

Additional Lyrics:
...doesn't it scare you, doesn't it piss you off...

I'm weaker than you know

I'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to find my way to you
but it's no use, in a crowded room
where everybody wants you

It's confirmed. I've gone crazy.

I Feel So Unhappy ....

For Jayson

I just got back from our trip to KL and Singapore, and during the time I was there, I really didn't think much about me and Jayson, but I still think of him every single day most specially before I got to sleep. WE definitely had issues we need to fix, and as long as it's not fixed then I won't be happy... Since he's unable to change (Oh don't get wrong, but maybe he's really not yet ready to be in a relationship), I felt I really have to end it already... you might be thinking what happened in between now and my last post. Well I couldn't say we got back together but it was more like, he didn't know that we've broken up already or that he was just pretending he didn't know... the reason why I allowed us to get back together was because of the "sign" that I asked from the lord whether to continue our relationship or not.. the sign came two days after I ended "it"... And so we got back together only for me to end it again while I was in Singapore. And God knows, I wasn't happy with my decision...

When I met Jayson, he meant to leave for work... Leave as in for another country... even before I left for Singapore our communication is very erratic. And when I left for Singapore, I had a taste of what it would be like when he leaves for work... And I cannot accept that. Maybe that's just how he handles a relationship, but I beg to differ... and that's where our problem comes in. Before kasi tanggap ko na ganun lang siguro talaga SA NGAYON. For the mean time. Pero habang tumatagal, wala pa ring improvement.. We don't really see each other since he lives in Baguio so I feel that we have to make bawi sa communication man lang, so kung rare yung communication I feel that we should not be more than friends... And sometimes pag naiinis kasi ako, naiisip ko lagi na " I won't have it any other way If I can't have it my way" pero at the end of the day, when you really love someone, you'll try your best to understand them ... accept it as it is... mag tiis. Ganun.

But my leaving for Singapore has helped me finalized my decision. We went to KL first and stayed two days, on the third day we went to Singapore. On the fourth day and still no sign from him I finally "ended it". I thought, If a person really loves you, he should be concerned whether you landed safely or not, oh well ofcourse he knew I was safe because I TOLD HIM, but it's still different if HE is exerting extra effort to make you feel that he is thinking and cares about you, right? I knew he was mad at me for breaking up with him, he told me that Iba-iba ang tao... He told me na mahal daw niya ako and that iba-iba lang talaga and characters ng mga tao. I AGREE. But I don't deserve that kind of treatment. AND if he can't give me what I need, I'm gonna let him go, and he can find someone else who can make do with the way he's handling relationship. My hopes were high before na kahit marami kaming issues, makakaya namin yung isolve. Pero I cannot do it alone. And all the more that it won't be solved if he's not taking any steps to solve it.


...But still I hope. And Im not closing my doors. Im open to any possibilities. In the future... who knows... but that will only happen if he knows how to treat a girlfriend right. Somehow I can understand him. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon what's going on. Before issue na rin ito but when I told him about what I feel regarding his feelings for me, he said that It was wrong for me to just judge him like that. For a while I was taken aback for a very "matured" statement he just said. Maybe he was right. I was wrong. And maybe I am wrong for measuring his love for me just like that. Maybe I am wrong. But I won't have it any other way if I can't have it my way. And I mean it this time. Sobra sobra na ba yung hinihingi ko?? Di ba hindi naman?? and I know it's something that should NOT be asked. Kasi between a couple it should be given voluntarily.. at pag hiningi just because hindi binibigay ng kusa then there is something wrong with the relationship. That's why I decided that we end it. I could have given him more time. I could have understand him more. Pero I had a feeling that I was trying to push things more harder. At pag pinilit ko pa e hindi naman pala para saken, baka magkasira lang talaga kami at the end. So I felt mas mabuti pa na maghiwalay kami while I still love him kasi kaya ko pa siya intindihin, and that's what I've been doing ever since... Ayokong dumating sa point na magalit ako... Kasi when I get mad, it's gonna be bad for the two of us.

There was one point, I was hoping na hindi siya papayag sa break-up...

...but then, he just gave up too, so maybe hanggang dito na lang talaga kami...