Monday, October 1, 2007

remembering engel...

he's not dead alright. last time i checked he got hitched and is fathering a child already, but then, i don't really care anymore. its over. im over it and its all in the past. i just remembered him that's all. his name was engelbert nolasco by the way. thinking of him always brings me back in time where we still used to be together. we used to work for the same company you know. and i thought i was in love with him. i was like a love struck teen-ager. only that im not teen-ager anymore but just love struck you know.. now, you're probabaly thinking that maybe he was "some guy", well, think not because he was not. he was far from good looking actually, he was a big dark complexioned man with curly hair. in short just think of grizzly bear. there. he was that bad looking. and as a love struck that i was, i didn't see those things. i only see the goodside. besides i was never the kind who favors only those who are nice looking. but then, looking back i don't really know what drew me to him. maybe that's just the mystery of life. sometimes it really happen that you will fall on the wrong man. just how wrong was he for me, you asked?

very wrong i guess.

from the very start i had a nagging feeling that he was gay, or maybe, not gay. lets say bi-sexual. coz according to my good friend who is also bi-sexual, there is a complete difference between the two. gay men only fancy men who are also straight gays. but bi-sexual cannot have relationship to a gay but to a straight woman or another bi-sexual. meaning bi-sexual are ac-dc?? duh. enough of that. basta i guess he just didn't like me. that's all. like i said may pag ka OA ako nung time na yun.. as in head over heels in love ako nun. pero where did it get me? he didn't feel the same way so, goodbye. you know what, there was even a point that i thought im gonna end up marrying him. that was funny, he wasn't my boyfriend but i was thinking of marrying him. how pathetic is that? anyway, gel and I, we no longer know each other. something happened and we just parted ways. and i guess our friendship ended badly. honestly, he still has utang saken ha. i think 2000 pesos. i hope mabasa niya 'to para bayaran niya ako.

minsan naiisip ko na maybe i fell inlove with him because of my own wrong i said sometimes when we love someone we only see the goodside and we are being blinded from their shortcomings. the thing is, what happened to me was i was blided for his shortcomings and i also exagerrated his goodsides. i gues i fell in love with the thought of being in love and idealism. i think that's what happened. i know myself. im very realistic. i couldn't have fallen in love that hard for someone who is soooo wrong for me. but i think i gets the better of me and thats what happened. sometimes what you do is just completely out of character, that gives you the feeling of being relaxed, foreign and free. im not trying to save face here alright its just that it took me about a year to get over him. my story, i know its a bit confusing but me and gel. we never had a relationship more than being friends.

did i mention that i used to think at one point before that he was gay? i never asked for him to return my feelings. i only want friendship honestly. but you know the sad thing is that i still nurtured that love i felt for him. i was never the kind who would "devise" something just to make you fall for me or something. never. but i was also never the "denial" queen. i would never admit my feelings to that person i really like pero never ko rin siya tutuksuhin to other girls even to someone that he really like. i never liked pretentions. and i also don't want to lie to myself all the more. i guess the bad thing was gel had an idea of what i felt for him and took advantage of it. our friendship wasn't a give and take reationship anymore but more of like a take-take and give or give-give anf take if you know what i mean. and i guess that's where his utang of 2000 came in. hehe. magbayad ka na!

you see, if he was a real friend and if he treated me as friend and if he was honorable enough. we wouldn't have lost contact, atleast he would communicate with me atleast to tell me na wala pa siya pambayad or something. kasi what happened was he didn't communicate na at all para hindi na rin niya ako mabayaran (i think). it was just money i know, pero on the other part of my brain sinasabi na "yun nga e, pera lang pero nagiging unhonorable na siya! you guys had a very wondeful memories together with so much joys and laughters, ano yun nakipag plastikan lang siya sa inyo?!?" money talaga is the root of all evil. *sigh*

thinking of gel reminds me of my officemate rachel. i don't know her personally but i immediately noticed that she has a thingy for her friend ruphert. aside from the fact that i think it was an open issue at the office and also there was one time that i heard her on the elevator making kwento about ruphert. she was sooo happy making kwento, that she was even giggling and her smile stretched from one ear to another. that undestand. the feeling of euphoria i understand. i felt it too. i think at one point in our lives we've felt it too. the things is when i saw who ruphert was and when i learned more about him. i felt immediate sadness for this girl rachel. ruphert was just like gel. if i thought that gel was gay, this ruphert i am quite certain was a faggot. ruphert is the epitome of a real closet queen. he is so good looking i tell you. tall. and very very sexy in a terminology for a modern filipina. and he was also very neat with a capital N-E-A-T. not that good grooming puts men in a bad situation but i guess its how your aura and your effect to people around you, show. there are a lot of gays in our office. and i mean a lot. all of them who i've talked to would just tell me "mas bakla pa saken yan" ..he was referring to ruphert ho happened to passed by our station. and like the cliche' they would tell you "it takes one, to know one"

and just recently i heard that rachel and ruphert were already going steady. well not actually steady but more on the phase of "getting there". i guess whats happening to rachel was she was having hyperactive imagination. really. sometimes when were thinking too hard and if we want something so much we tend to digest these "signals" differently. therefore, nagiging OA tayo at we interpret those signals with something thats more "favorable" and "advantageous" to us. sometimes kasi pag involve tayo, we become biased with our judgement. kasi human nature naman yun. that's just how we humans are. and i guess that's normal. although we have to do something about. do something about it. bad judgement can hurt you alot. paaasahin ka sa wala, and it would hurt like hell at the end. as for ruphert, if i were right in my opinion,i think he was just using rachel for a cover up to his sexuality. and i feel bad about it. i mean the most that he can do if he cannot reciprocate the feelings is be nice to her and be a real friend. just like me and gel, we were friends in the first place. but why can't they consider that, before thinking of using us and taking advantage of our feelings? honor if taken away from human reduced one to being a cockroach. walng silbi. and they don't deserve real friends. goodluck sa kanila.

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