Is it Over Now?

I am a walking contradiction talaga sa maraming bagay, pero hindi pagdating sa decision making... ngayun lang. Just the other night I was so hellbent on putting the "thing" to a halt, pero the next day iba na decision ko, siguro kasi nakapag isip isip nako nun umaga na tsaka marami na akong nakausap na tao, nahingan ng advice.. then narealize ko sige tama sila... onti pa... then that freaking text message the morning probably drove him away! And I don't know what he's thinking. IF only...

Mabuti na lang andyan si Lindsey (his sister), somehow natutulungan niya ako how to understand him, pero I cant txt her now kasi nag rereview siya for board exam.. Maybe he gave up already... Ang lungkot pala. Malungkot na malungkot. HIndi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Ako kasi sobrang maprinsipyo akong tao. Pamantayan ko lagi "SAy what you mean, Mean what you SAy". that's why until the last time we "talked" i never got the chance to tell him that I...Him. YUn. Hay. Kasi sobrang inintay ko yun time na ramdam na ramdam ko siya. Yung tipong ako mismo kumbinsido ako na, a tototo nga, nararamdaman ko na siya... Until this week came. Its been a week na na wala kami communication, siguro totoo nga rin yung sinabi ng iba na you'll only realize the worth of a person in your life until they are gone... and now he's gone... Ay ang lungkot talaga. AND i wanna tell him that I...him. Pero wala naman siya? Kanino ko sasabihin yun?!?! Its true pala, its hard to say I Love you when you really mean it. Totoo Pala. I kept denying kasi... At minsan nagyayari na lang pala yun without reason, Si ako kasi gusto lagi me explanation ang lahat lahat e. There are just somethings lang pala talaga that you can't explain. Na you just know its happening for a reason, kung ano man yung reason na yun, Si GOD na lang nakakaalam...

A few weeks back my friend Alice kept asking me "SINO si JAYSON?" Buti na lang panggabi ako kaya hindi nila ako masyado na iinterrogate.. although merong di nakakaalam, marami rin naman akong sinabihan sa mga kaibigan ko. Kumalat lang sa buong Team namin yun everyday name na "JAYSON" dahil one day, yung papel na sinusulatan namin ng mga confirmation numbers nasulatan ko pala ng name na "JAYSON" sa likod, nakita ng Team Manager ko at ibinalita sa lahat ng ka Team ko, kaya kinabukasan ako ang topic nila sa meeting. AT ang akala nilang JAYSON ay yung lalaking nakatabi ko sa Bus na ibinayad ako ng pamasahe from Buendia to Binan kasi tulog ako nun maningil yun conductor... hindi na niya yata ako pinagising e.. pero siyempre nagising ako before sa amin, at siyempre nalaman ko na di pa ako bayad kaya pinilit ko ibalik yun ibinayad niya, tapos never nako lumingon dun sa side niya. Kesyo mag ka stiffneck ako sa pag tingin sa kaliwa Keri lang. Hiyang Hiya kasi ako. Masyado ako nag enjoy sa pagtulog. Hanggang ngayon issue yung iba daw yung itsura ko ngayon, at yung ngiti ko. E wala naman nabago saken e. Hanggang ngayon tinatanong pa rin nila ako... kaya nilagay ko ang URL nitong blog ko sa friendster e para masagot yung tanong nila kung sino si JAYSON.

I miss my friend me-anne. She was the one who enlightened me to give it a shot e, but now that things are not going well, I don't wanna let her know kasi I know iisipin din ako nun kahit papaano, e sobrang delicate yung pregnancy niya.. Hay buti pa siya magkaka baby na...

Natatandaan ko nagtext si Me-anne saken one night, sabi niya "wag mong
kakalimutan na ang tracker sulatan ng confirmations mo, hindi ng pangalan ng
taong laman lagi ng isip mo". Hehe. Narealized ko, may point siya dun.

But now he's gone e. And i don't know what made him give up... Sayang, ni hindi ko man langnasabi sa kanya... SIguro this is for the best na rin, kasi siguro fate na yung nag decide for us. Although, ayoko ng decision ni fate wala naman ako magagawa e. I miss him. Im trying to take this all in very lightly... masyado na akong naapektohan e. ayoko nang mas maging miserable pa.

Half-hearted

I just got back from watching the premier night of "A very special love" hehe, twas super. Luvet! I was halfway out there you know, if only the movie wasn't that good maybe I wouldnt have watched it at all, because half of my mind was occupied. I don't know... on my way back to the office I just came up with a decision, I was riding the elevator and my knees were trembling because of that. I didn't want that decision, but I have to. We, girls, sometimes falling in love shocks the hell out of us. And the freaked-out me chose to ran away. Oh well, guess its not meant to be. I was braver before. But as soon as I have admitted to myself that maybe I am inlurv-- oooopss! I don't even wanna say it. Admitting it would weaken me, I know.

This decision makes me sad. I never wanted this. I didn't want it to end. But sometimes we're left with no choice if we want to save atleast what's left of us. If ony he was a bit older... siguro mas magkakaintindihan kami... bakit ba laging issue ang age? diba dapat hindi naman? Pero kasi yun ang problema e. Siguro kasi di pa siya ganun ka matured, so minsan di pa niya alam kung ano ipa-prioritize niya... this is not the right time for the two of us siguro. Not when Im 24 and he was just 19. This won;t be the right time for us kung hindi niya pipiliting mag adjust. I cannot do it alone.

Plane Ticket: Done!

Last saturday, Erin And I have booked our flight to Kuala Lumpur and back. Luckily umabot pa kami sa promo ng Malaysia Airlines.. or shall I say, I'm lucky kasi umabot pa AKO sa promo. :)

We intended to book it last Friday but I think the MH website was down so we were unsuccessful then.. Then Saturday morning right after our shift, we went ahead and booked our plane tickets. In MH, one way to KL would cost 91USD if you're lucky enough to catch their promo. Three mos ago it was only 79USD. Two mos ago it was 89USD. A week ago it was 99USD. Then the promo ended last Sunday JULy 13. We we're supposed to book all three of Us at the same time but whenever we were putting in 3 adults, the total would always come out as 500+ USD. So we thought, we might as well book it individually. We tasked Erin to book our Flight, since your's truly have done her share on extensive researching already.. (hehe) , so I asked her to book her own ticket first because she's too familiar already with her own personal details before she book mine and Maricon's... but since she was unable to book it last friday and we were together naman the next day, I went with her. Since I was with her, the tendency is that I go first. (as usual. Oh dear I should know better. She was afraid she'll mess up her booking! HEHE) .
I booked mine. Done. With all the taxes it's about 101 USD.

Then when it was her turn to book her own, the total went to about 198 USD. Don't know what happened. We even tried to use a different computer with different ISP. no LUck.

I was also in a panic kasi there'll be a tendency na mag Tiger na lang sila or AirAsia. KAsi 200USD is already the amount of a two way ticket, sobra silang mamamahalan... But still, trying to be brave, I told Erin to think about booking MH kasi it;s so expensive na nga. Then right after, in split seconds I made a decision that I can GO ALONE. They can go to Clark instead and that's OK with me, But Erin chose to Book MH no matter, even if it's 200 USD one way because she was afraid to fly with just herself and MAricon. HEHE. Parang sayang ang money lang kasi... but anyways maybe luck wasn't on our side then.. Then we booked Cabu Pacific for our return Manila from Singapore.

I.CAN;T.SAY.IT...ATLEAST.NOT.YET

I probably won't get tired reading his messages. I feel something I never dared think about much more say out loud even to my friends, most specially to him who I know have been wanting to hear it from me since it all started. I feel it. I think about it. I think I know it... I just can't bring myself to say it....

I have to be certain.. I might be mistaken..

When you're happy and you know it CLap your Hands!

JULY 6, 2008. I have taken the road I was so trying to avoid before. I don't know what happened to me to make a decision in such a haste. Not that I didn't think hard enough about it, but it was something that my head didn't make but my heart. Sometimes I wonder what he's got that has made me so reckless of the possibilities of me getting hurt in the end. But, heck, Im giving it a shot, come what may...


It's been a roller coaster ride ever since..

He was the one who started everything... I was NOT even in love... I was merely the one who gave ourselves a chance... but why is it lately... I think the table has turned already..

Shall I now brace myself for the pain that is near?

It's hard. MOst of the time I want to give up on him. But I'm hanging on.. I believe in HIm despite his age...

PLS Don't disappoint me J. Remember we were friends first. And YOU were the one who got me into this... Be patient with me.. I want to make sure of myself.

Philippine Passport: Done!

I knew my plan to go to singapore will push through.. no matter what it takes, i will make it happen! Come hell or high water. (hehe). Yesterday I finally got my Passport. New look. Never liked it. Looked fake. My papa's passport eons ago looked even more better. And my aunt told me that there is some kind a new thingy about DFA changing the passport again by september.. duh.

I know I should have started blogging about it from the very first stage of planning, but then like I said before, I lost interest blogging when my lolo died. Im gonna let you in on a little secret... one reason why I cannot blog was because I was afraid to be left alone in our room in the middle of the night, not entirely the reason, but this is one factor I can't blog that time.. ang babaw ko talaga! I loved lolo. Never doubt it. But i always felt that before he died he wanted to go to our house and sleep in our room kasi me aircon! hehe. sosyal si tatay e. :) the night he died dapat dun siya natutulog sa kwarto namin ni ate... kaso di ako nakapunta sa kanila... minsan nga naisip ko, siguro kung nasundo ko sila, maybe, just maybe.. buhay pa siya. Halos after a month nga na nailibing si lolo bago ako nagkalakas loob na gamitin yung air-con, hehe, minsan naiimagine ko na during my sleep bigla na lang bubukas yung air-con.. hehe. ala lang. meron lang akong over active imagination sometimes.

***sigh***

atska another reason na naisip ko siguro kung di ko sinabihan si lolo nun wake niya na wag niya ako dadalawin siguro dinalaw ako nun kasi alam ko love na love ako nun e. I felt he would like to see me if only I was not afraid. Kasi about 6 yrs ago, mejo muntikan na rin si tatay e.. nasa probinsya pa sila nun na nung nagkamalay yata siya ako agad yung hinanap niya. So go agad ako dun, at nagiiyak bago pa makapasok sa hospital room. Did i mention here that I was the favorite? :) Suplado yun e. Ako lang and apo na nakaka tolerate.. :) hehe. Love him. Miss him. Everyday.

Anyway going back to my Singapore chuva, yun nga I got my passport yesterday, july 8. I applied for it, monday Jun16, pero dahil maarte ang tao dun di kami tinanggap! bumalik daw kami Jun 18. Hay nako.. pagkatapos kong magkandaligaw ligaw... wala rin pala. In short, wasted! At eto pa, palitan ko daw yung picture ko! hah. Tsk. tsk. tsk.. nenenegosyo..kasi gusto nila dun ka magpapicture dun sa nasa loob ng covered court, which I later learned na may "quota" daw kasi yung mga empleyado ng DFA dun. Imagine, ang passport size dun PHP 150! e sa labas PHP 60 lang kaya yun.. bale yun yung kwento saken nun may-ari ng LOUIES STUDIO sa Binan.

Owner: O bakit di tinanggap 'to? ( I was showing them my picture na sila ang kumuha na nireject nun taga DFA)

Pia: E kasi yung royale blue na color sa likod di daw pantay kulay. Medyo dark daw po yun sa me lower part.

Owner: E yung sa aming mag-anak nun naka raang araw lang kami nag-punta dun, lahat kami natanggap.

Pia: Ewan ko nga po e.

Owner: Anu oras ka ba nagpunta dun?

Pia: Maaga po. around 600 am andun na kami e..

Owner: Ah, kaya na reject yan kasi namalas ka lang na ma tripan kasi di pa nila naabot yung" quota nila" E kami mag- anak, tanghali pumunta, ok naman lahat.

O wala lang, share ko lang. kainis Kasi.Tsk.

Tapos yung nga pinababalik na lang kami ng WED, jun 18. I was with Erin e, yung friend ko at yung pasaway niyang kapatid na si JUAN CARLOS. Hehe. Magantihan kahit sa pamamamagitan ng pangalan! hehe. Bawal pala pumasok sa DFA pag wala ka gagawin noh? kasi naiwan si JC sa labas e. Hehe. nun binalikan namin siya, nakasimangot na. Mainit na ulo. :) Tapos, since sobra aga pa. It was only around 8am nun lumabas kami ng premises ng DFA, nag kaayaan kami ng MOA. I've never been there... Hindi ko naman pwede i-consider yung pagkain sa Gerry's Grill sa me likod and ang panunuod ng Pyrolympics (tama ba spell tama ba?!?) na naka punta na ako ng MOA e diba? Nakiraan pwede pa. E lahat kami mga engklok, nag lakad kami! e wala naman ako alam dun sa lugar na yun e. It is the part in Manila na hindi ko napupuntahn. Bring me to Manila ( except Roxas blvd area) or Quezon City and I'd know how to find my way around. But there along Roxas blvd? Ang hirap dun e. Tsk Tsk. Si JC me kasalanan niyan e. Nagmamarunong. Hehe. Masaya pala 'to, nagagantihan ko siya sa mga pangaapi niya sa akin! hehe. Pero sumakay din kami dun sa maliit na sasakyan na kulay orange, Kaya pagdating sa MOA, sarado pa siya! ang sya saya. Punta kami dun s likod.. Ganda pala dun. kasi nun nag Gerry's kami and nanoond ng Pyrolympics gabi e. wala ako makitang view. Sa umaga maganda pala siya, kitang kita yung "maduming tubig" hehe. infairness tinaasan yung harang para di visible ang mga floating objects . :) , at narealize ko dahil naka flip flops lang ako, ang dumi na pala ng paa ko sa haba ng nilakad namin.. tsk tsk. sablay talaga. buti na lang useful ang wet tissue!

Tapos, yun nga bumalik kami ng WED sa DFA. 9am ang appointment ko si Erin 8am. So she went first. HIndi na sumama si JC. Hehe. Tingin ko nadala.. :) That Day was Jun 18th. Yung last day ng promo ng Malaysia Airlines was Jun 22, so obviously di kami aabot kahit ipa expedite pa namin yung processing nung passport. So we agreed na regular processing na lang, on the back of our mind hoping kami na mag karon ulit ng promo ang MH. kasi pangalawa na yun e. which we also missed. Drat. Ako naiwan dun sa me pila sa GAte 2, para dun nga sa me mga appointment ng 9am. I met a girl named Lory. Buti na lang kasi di ko namalayan yung takbo ng oras mahigit 1 oras din pala yung lumipas simula ng pumila kami dun... Todo kwentuhan kasi kami, kala mo matagal na magkakilala. :) Then pinuntahan ako ni Erin right after niya matapos. Sabi niya sa akin na pag pumunta daw ako sa Auditorium, pumunta ako dun sa area ng bayaran. Marami daw upuan sa loob ng auditorium, wag daw ako uupo agad kasi kelangan ko muna mag bayad.

So i went.

And I paid.

And I sat.

...Nakita ko ulit si Lory... naalala ko yung kwentuhan namin nun nakapila kami sa labas ng Gate2. kasi napag kwentuhan namin na ang mga GOvt employees, hndi naman sa nilalahat, pero ang image nila sa mata ng nakakarami ay mga "masusungit". E me babae dun sa me mga maraming windows na area na feeling ko nag pa-power tripping lang sya. she was giving the nanay a hard time na nag-aaply ng passport. Sobra. GRRRR!. Naalala ko nga nun nakapila pa ako, Erin txted me na pag Expedited makukuha daw ng jun 27, pag regular Jul 18. When I read her text, I called her up immediately kasi narealized ko, angtagal masyado ng JUL 18. E si ako, medyo hindi talent ang mag hintay.

So I was on the phone telling Erin to have it "EXP--- nada. cut. gone.

"Erin?! sayang ang load!"

....then I learned later that day na sinungitan siya nun isang empleyado sa DFA kasi nag se-cellphone siya. Hay... Highblood! Ayun, na-tensyon, ni-end ang call! TSk. I was thingking I'll have mine expedited na lang.. kasi nga ayoko ng nag-iintay talaga... ( funny how they call it "overnight" dun sa DFA, e yung overnight nila ang ibig sabihin 7 working days.. tsk. tsk kelan pa naging Overnight yun??!?! ) pero at the end regular na rin yung kinuha ko kasi yung mga expedited pala afternoon makukuha ng jun 27 e me pasok ako sa gabi... so regular na lang kaya kahapon JUL 8, nakuha ko na passport ko. hehe. Another valid ID! :) Wala lang, masya lang kasi SSS lang ang meron ako valid ID e. :)

Oh before ko makalimutan,, kasi baka mabasa niya 'to magtampo kasi di ko siya nabanggit. :) I met a guy named Jayson, dun sa loob ng auditorium. Naalala ko pa yung sinabi ni Erin na pag nakakita ako ng maraming upuan, wag daw ako uupo. Kasi ganun daw yung ginawa niya. :) I met Jayson, sa ganung scenario. Isa siyang biktima. hehe. kasi nasa kalagitnaan na siya ng rows ng upuan ng magtanong siya saken kung babayaran daw ba yung recibo na binigay sa amin dun sa me maraming windows.. I said yes. And I noticed his panic stricken face :) , siguro naisip niya na kung aalis siya sa pila para magbayad, he has to start lining up again simula dun sa huling nakapila. E dahil mabait ako, sabi ko sa kanya bayaran na niya at i sa-save ko yung seat niya, then the lady on my other side, hindi rin pala nagbayad..I-save ko rin daw yung seat niya.. E bakit ba kasi yung payment people nandun sa pinaka loob na corner?!?!?!

Jayson Got his passport Jun 27, he went back to manila, pumunta sa office... ng nakainom. bakit nga ba nag-inom? di ako sure kung narinig ko siya ng tama, pero takot daw siya... sumthing. tsk tsk. pero masaya naman. makulit. Bolero. matigas ulo. :)

Im glad, meron nako Passport.

Next level na on our trip to singapore! later this week, we're gonna book a flight to Kuala lumpur. Kasi KL muna kami, then Bus to SG to we'll go to BATAM Indonesia through ferry. siguro 1 day lang Lami dun sa Batam.

We also have a place to stay na, HAHA. Sosyal..

In Kuala Lumpur we're gonna be staying at the Crowne Plaza KL, that's August 12-14.

Then in Singapore, we'll stay at Holiday INN Atrium. Aug 15-21. At , on our way back siguro yung last night sa Crowne PLaza Changi Airport (AUG 21). YUng sa batam, Holiday INN Batam naman (pagiisipan pa kung saan pwede i singit na araw.., 1 night lang siguro. Have you noticed anything? Cguro wala. hehe. Aaminin ko na employee rate lang lahat yan! :) MAs mura kasi kesa pag kukuha pa ng mga backpacker hotels e.. tapos mahal pag gutso mo solo nyo kwarto, pag naman me ka share ka halos pareho lang ng employee rate namin sa IHG ang kakalabasam kaya nag CP at HI na lang kami. onting dagdag lang pero mas secured na komportable pa! :0

**side thoughts**

kahapon ng pauwi ako sa amin, tinitingnan ko yung passport ko. Tiningnan ko yung validity date.. naisip ko lang kung after a few years... naisip ko lang naman... mawalan kami ng communication...(with Erin I think imposible nang mangyari kasi uber friend ko yun since college pa, so no way talaga na mawawalan kami communication) Yun nga tsine check ko yung validity date.. naisip ko, pare-pareho kaya ng validity date yung aken, kay Erin, lory at Jayson? And if by a beautiful twist of fate, nagkita ulit kami dun to renew our passports...never mind na pala si lory kasi wala naman talaga ako communication talaga. :) Example lang naman.. wala lang. wala ako sinasabi.. naisip ko lang..

Pero! naisip ko rin.. baka hindi na ako philippine passport holder ng time na yun. :) farfetched!!! naisip ko lang naman kaya medyo exaggerated... oo exaggerated talaga. Fine.